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Category: Humour

Chennai MTC Bus
October 28th, 2016 by Srinivas Krishnaswamy
A Crowded MTC Bus - Via Peter Haden / Flickr

A Crowded MTC Bus – Via Peter Haden / Flickr

The MTC bus is the lifeblood of Chennai, but…

The MTC (Metropolitan Transport Corporation) Bus is to Chennai what the Indian railways is to India! The ubiquitous MTC bus that hogs every major street and lanes in Chennai serve over 5 Million people every day! With over 4000 buses in its fleet, the MTC bus provides cheap transportation to all corners of this huge metropolis.

If you are a woman and new to the city, you will find it intimidating to board the MTC for various reasons.

Most buses are crowded and are packed like sardines in a tin can. The oppressively humid weather exasperates the challenge of boarding a bus and making it out of it alive!

There are way too many services and the associated acronyms that can drive  you crazy. LSS, Cut Services, M Services, PP Service to name a few.

You will be lucky to find information about bus timings or routes at the bus stop. Bus route and timing posters are probably hidden under some politicians face or washed away in the rains.

If you seek help from others, you will get a mix of conflicting responses that range from people sharing wrong information with supreme confidence or unwanted questions about where you are going!

Of course, women will have to deal with unwanted stares, catcalls, or groping in crowded buses.

MTC bus seating etiquette for women

Assuming you have done your homework about MTC buses and have decided to take the plunge, you will have the option to either squeeze yourself in with no chance of ever parking yourself in a seat or (if you are lucky) you may have to choose the right place to sit down.

While we don’t believe there can be any specific strategy for squeezing yourself into a crowded bus that’s miraculously riding on half the total number of wheels available at the driver’s command, you have the option to strategise the choice of a seat in case you find one.

Before we dive into our specific strategies for choosing a seat when riding the MTC bus, it is important you understand the typical layout of the MTC bus.

MTC Bus Layout

As you can see from the above image, ladies have fewer seats to occupy compared to that of men. That’s hardly surprising.

However, seats meant for ladies or men are subject to “occupation” by the either sex. It is not uncommon to see some thick-skinned men taking over a seat on the women’s side of the bus!

However, the segregation of seats based on gender works in most MTC buses.

What to do when you have a vacant seat (yes, miracles do happen)? 

If you have a vacant seat on the left side of the bus (meant for women passengers), take it even if you have empty seats on the other side. This is the easiest scenario and you will probably never encounter it in your lifetime unless you get into the bus before it starts the trip or take a late night trip.

If you find that all seats are taken by other women on the left side of the bus and you have vacant seats on the right side of the bus (aka driver side), here is what you need to do:

1. Approach the empty seat.

2. If there is no one at the seat (usually they seat two people), you are in luck. Just take the seat and make yourself comfortable.

If there is a guy already occupying a seat, you need to keep in mind the following:

Some guys will try to sit in the middle of the seat and spread their legs as wide as they can to discourage anyone from sitting next to them.

If you find a guy doing this, walk up to the seat and say “Anna” and at the same time gesture with your hand to signal your intention to take a seat next to him.

Most men will be happy to give you the space to sit and you don’t even have to say anything in Tamil other than “Anna” (Anna is “brother” in Tamil).

Here is how it works.

MTC Bus Seating

Some tips before you rush in to take the seat:

1. Purchase your tickets with the conductor who is has a cozy little seat for himself at the back of the bus. A typical conductor in an MTC bus is no different from a potted plant. He won’t move an inch.

2. Avoid the last row of seats in the bus at all costs even if you find a seat there. It’s meant exclusively for people who enjoy abrupt and sharp vertical motion. Not a great place to seat yourself after a meal.

3. Some women are accommodating and will make space for a third person to sit in a two seater! If you are on the leaner end of the body size spectrum, your chances of getting a partial seat are high. Remember to make eye contact and smile if you hope to squeeze in as the third person.

Pros and cons of sitting in the aisle seat or the window seat

If you know the bus will get crowded further along in the journey and you know where exactly you want to get down, take the window seat. This way when the bus gets crowded nobody can fall on you or misbehave under the pretext of lack of space!

MTC Bus

Your Anna will become a natural protective barrier for you against unwanted advances by MTC Bus Romeos, you are safe from the antics of perverts and molesters, and you can get lost in your own world as the bus makes it way to your destination.

But the window seat is not always the best option!

If you know that the bus will be relatively less crowded for the rest of your journey, always pick the aisle seat. Believe me, you don’t want to ruin your hair and bathe your face in carbon monoxide, sulfur, and other pollutants!

We have identified the dangers you are exposed to when you sit in the window seat and the below chart has all the gory details.

MTC Bus

That’s the price you pay for the relative safety of your window seat.

Let’s say you take the aisle seat, you are relatively better insulated from the pollution outside but not completely insulated. We have excluded air-conditioned MTC buses as the chances of finding one is pretty slim.

There are dangers lurking inside the bus as well and the below image has the details.

MTC Bus

 

Let’s say you take the only empty seat on the right side of the bus, and then during the course of your trip you find empty places opening up on the left side of the bus – move over to the other side. If you don’t move, you are taking away a seat from a man!

If you don’t move, you are taking away a seat from a man!

Tips for women electing to sit next to a man

1. If you smell booze, stay away. Hell, even sober men don’t go near drunk men on MTC buses.

2. Sometimes the pain of standing is worth the trouble especially when the bus is not all that crowded on a hot, sticky, summer day in Chennai. Remember, not all men use deodorant and the weather in Chennai is not forgiving.

3. Men do misbehave with women and groping is not all that uncommon. Keep a close watch and pay attention.

4. Men will stare at you. But, as long as they keep the distance, you don’t have to worry.

Go ahead, put all our techniques to practice when you take the MTC bus. After a couple of trips, your apprehension about boarding the MTC bus will soon fade away (just like the signs posted in the bus shelters) and you will soon appreciate the way the fearless drivers of MTC buses navigate their vehicles through crowded intersections without caring for the bright red light ahead.

Featured image via Eric Parker / Flickr.



Posted in Humour, India Tagged with: , ,

Valentine's Day in India
February 12th, 2016 by Srinivas Krishnaswamy

Nail Art Designs

Valentine’s day in India – Announcing a new discovery!

Most Indians believe that Valentine’s day in India is a cultural import from the west along with other goodies like sugary, carbonated drinks and junk food. If you are a student of history, you will probably know that Valentine’s day commemorates St. Valentine, a priest who performed marriage ceremonies against the dictates of the Roman emperor Claudius.

You have been seriously misled all along and we have the smoking gun and the gloves that actually fit!

We have only one statement to make – How dare the west steal the idea of celebrating Valentine’s day from an ancient civilization (aka India) that wrote an entire book on love and sex?

Valentine's Day in India

Archeologists digging at the Valentine’s Day site in India

If you are among the handful of people that believed that Valentine’s day in India has had a glorious history, it’s time to rejoice! Jodi Logik Minions were recently provided exclusive access to a secret site near the world famous Khajuraho temple.

Archeologists have now confirmed to Jodi Logik that Valentine’s day in India is not a new phenomenon. In fact, Valentine’s day in India dates all the way back to 970 CE!

Valentine’s day in India – As depicted in sculptures

Archeologists recently uncovered a completely hidden site near the famous Khajuraho temples. This new site of historical importance depicts sculptures of young men and women in various positions celebrating Valentine’s day. We diligently documented the stories behind some of the more interesting poses.

1. Hiding from the parents pose: This pose depicts a boy sneaking into his girlfriend’s home with Valentine’s day gifts only to find that her parents are home. Apparently, he never realized that during the 12th century, all Valentine’s days fell on a Sunday! (good lucking reading this paragraph!)

Valentine's day in India

A shocked Indian after being caught sneaking into his girlfriend’s house!

2. Surprise wedding with uninvited guests pose: This sculpture depicts a wide-eyed and open-mouthed boy and a girl getting married and surrounded by a group of men holding swords. Scholars have interpreted this scene to be that of a forced marriage performed on Valentine’s day. This usually happened when a couple is found together in public spaces. Incidentally, the modern day culture police and moral brigades roaming our cities on valentine’s day are descendants of the men with swords.

Valentine's Day in India

Moral Brigade in action on Valentine’s Day in India

3. Waterboarding pose: This sculpture depicts a young man being waterboarded by his girlfriend. Legend has it that the young man forgot to plan for a Valentine’s day that year and was facing the consequences of his laziness and forgetfulness.

Valentine's Day in India

Ancient waterboarding guide for angry girlfriends

4. The lonely man pose: This sculpture depicts a man with his eyes wide shut and hands extended walking around the local market on Valentine’s day.

Valentine's Day in India

A lonely boy on Valentine’s day in ancient India

After extensive research, archeologists concluded that this sculpture depicts a man who did not have a girlfriend and was trying his best to avoid feeling depressed on a day where almost every young man was holding hands with his girlfriend.

Valentine’s day in India – Buried artifacts

After digging around this hidden temple, archeologists also discovered several interesting artifacts and curios. Here are some of the notable findings.

1. Now you see, now you don’t cloth: One of the assumptions we have these days is that clothes are meant to protect us from the harsh elements and also double up as tools to protect our ‘modesty’. Interestingly in the 970 to 1030 CE timeframe when these temples were built to commemorate Valentine’s day, there was a practice to buy skimpy clothes that reveal more than what they hid!

Valentine's Day in India

Some of the artifacts found at the site

These clothes were found in bulk in the center of the market. Archeologists have now concluded that there were shops specializing in selling such clothes and even though the clothes were primarily worn by young women (barring a few devious men) but mostly purchased by young men as gift items! If there is one thing that has never changed since 970 CE, it is the Indian man’s selfishness.

2. Evidence of barbaric rituals: People residing in the area around Khajuraho in 970 CE had realized the importance of Valentine’s day as seen by the elaborate sculptures and artifacts commemorating this holy day. However, archeologists stumbled on a bizarre manuscript from this site. This manuscript depicted the ritual of “stealing hearts”. This ritual involved cutting open the chest of a man or a woman you loved and pulling the heart out of the body and eating it! Puke!

Valentine's Day in India

A satisfied Indian after performing the stealing heart ritual!

Thankfully, this practice is no longer in vogue and we show our love for each other by just eating heart shaped pizzas!

3. Parchments and ink: Sculptures and paintings weren’t the only way people communicated with one another during 970 CE. If that was the case, women would have run out of wall space in a matter of few hours! Archeologists also found parchments that included romantic messages written in the ancient Devanagari script.

Valentine's Day in India

A pigeon caught delivering a Valentine’s day message in 970 CE

Apparently, young men trained carrier pigeons to carry their messages to their beloved on Valentine’s day. Some enterprising entrepreneurs even got into the business of renting out trained pigeons or offering creative writing services on parchment paper. These are the same entrepreneurs that pooled their wealth to fund these elaborate sculptures immortalizing Valentine’s day. Note: We had to substitute a pigeon with a dove due to tight budgets.

Confucius quotes on Valentine’s day in India

If you are not shocked and confused already, wear your seatbelt before reading about the another jaw-dropping discovery that archeologists have made in China about Valentine’s day in India.

Most history buffs know about Confucius. He was instrumental in teaching Kung Fu to Akshay Kumar, Jackie Chan, and Bruce Lee. He was also a philosopher and teacher in China (around 500 BC) and will be very old if he were to be alive now.

Valentine's Day in India

Confucius knew everything about Valentine’s day in India

Confucius is known for his insightful quotes on everyday life. His quotes form the basis for all advice given by licensed relationship therapists the world over. Buried near his ancestral home in southern China, are a set of parchment papers with quotes written by Confucius. These Confucian quotes seem to have been written to address issues young men faced in India on Valentine’s day!

We have exclusive access to these ancient words of wisdom.

Valentine's Day Guide For Men In India from Srinivas Krishnaswamy

We now know that “Hindi – Chini Bhai Bhai” was definitely coined by our ancient ancestors.

Moral of the story: Love has no boundaries and that’s the reason you should stay safe on February 14th.

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Sex Life After Marriage in India

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Your Parents Are Against Love Marriage? 7 Expert Tips To Convince Them!



Posted in Humour, Love Tagged with: , , ,

Indian wedding gifts for Software Engineers
January 19th, 2016 by Srinivas Krishnaswamy
Indian Wedding Gifts

Via NY Times

Indian wedding gifts for software engineers

If you are invited to the wedding of a software engineer in India or elsewhere, you should read this blog post. We have done a scientific analysis on the perfect Indian wedding gifts for a software engineer and here are our shortlist of Indian wedding gifts that will make you look cool and make your friend remember you for the rest of her life.

We have done a scientific analysis on the perfect Indian wedding gifts for a software engineer and here are our shortlist of Indian wedding gifts that will make you look cool and make your friend remember you for the rest of her life.

Based on our patented career matching algorithm (still in Beta phase), we have found that wedding gifts for software engineers in India require a deep understanding of how they work and the challenges they face at work.

1. Periscope

Indian Wedding Gifts

Here is a question – What’s the difference between a meerkat and a software engineer? Well, a meerkat cannot write code! But if you have seen a meerkat before you will know why they are very similar to software engineers in terms of their behavior. They stand on their hind legs outside their burrow to scan the horizon for predators. When they smell or see a danger they dash quickly into their burrows on the ground.

A software engineer’s burrow is their cubicle. But unlike meerkats, software engineers are paid to look busy in their cubicles. Thus, they don’t have the luxury of standing outside their cubicle to see if their boss is coming their way.

This cool periscope, available on Amazon,  gives software engineers an option to keep a watch on who is walking by without having to stand up or strain their necks! Your software engineer friend will thank you for the rest of his life in the cubicle.

2. Creative writing

This awesome creative writing book from a very foreign sounding author will be the most cherished wedding gift for any software engineer in India. For software engineers, creative writing is an important skill.

Indian Wedding Gifts

They need to be creative when writing their resume, when filling out self-appraisal forms or when providing a justification for delivering a poor verdict for their team member’s performance review or writing an email to a customer explaining the reasons for not delivering the code.

Indian culture values books and even has a Goddess of books (Goddess Saraswati, the goddess of knowledge). Hindus even worship books once a year! So no matter how foreign the author of the book may sound, all books are integral to Indian culture. This is a book that no software engineer can ignore.

3. Thanjavur dolls

One of the most important skill sets required by a software engineer in India is the ability to agree and strike a compromise on everything.

Software engineers are often given impossible deadlines to meet, need to deal with team members that don’t have any skill set required for the job or have to listen to endless lectures from the quality or process teams. They have also have to attend post-lunch training sessions regularly in a comatose state. All these situations demand a complete mastery of the head nodding technique.

These exquisite and authentic Indian dolls from Thanjavur have one great feature – they bob their heads! These dolls, when placed in a software engineer’s cubicle, can serve as a constant inspiration for software engineers to master their head nodding technique.

Indian wedding gifts4. Resume writing service

Resume writing is a skill that software engineers in India value much more than their coding skills. Their ability to write a compelling resume that can not only showcase their skillset but also convincingly describe in detail imaginary employers and the imaginary projects that they worked on, can make or break their career.

Just Google ‘resume writing service” and pick out a service provider that you fancy. Buy a yearly package from your favorite service provider and give it as a gift to your software engineer friend. Somebody said, “teach a man how to fish…”.

Resume_IndianWeddingGifts

5. Season pass for Tirupathi

This is our all time favorite Indian gift. For software engineers, divine intervention is a key requirement for a successful career.

Indian wedding gifts

Here are some instances divine intervention is required and expected.

  1. Every time code updates happen.
  2. When a new team member is offered a job by another company.
  3. When an important team member submits the resignation letter.
  4. The day before your performance appraisal ratings is announced.
  5. Applying for a US visa.
  6. Every time you initiate a scope change order request.

Somebody said ‘God is everywhere’. But, he is definitely in Tirupathi and your software engineer needs a season pass to Tirumala.

6. Negotiations skills course

Tim Ferriss is a famous author and runs popular podcasts on iTunes. He provides awesome tips on everything from running businesses to fishing. If at all you want to learn the art of negotiations, you should check out Tim’s strategies. What’s interesting is that he has learnt a lot of lessons from Indians on the art of negotiations! His books will be a great gift. Here is why.

 

Indian Wedding Gifts

Software engineers need to learn about negotiations to be successful. They will have to negotiate their salary, negotiate their title, negotiate with their team members every day, negotiate with customers, and negotiate with their spouses for missing important events, anniversaries and birthdays!

7. Alarm clock that makes tea!

Indian Wedding Gifts

What if it’s not available in India? The Teasmade alarm clock is the gift made just for Indian software engineers.

When does a software engineer code at work?

The answer – ‘In between tea breaks!’

This clock not only tells a software engineer when to stop working but also makes a hot cup of tea right where they are! No more crowding at the canteen and never miss a tea break ever!

You will love these gift ideas as well!

17 Christmas Gift Ideas For Your Indian Mother-In-Law


Why should your software engineer friend receive all the gifts? Find your soulmate faster with a FREE Jodi Logik biodata!



Posted in Humour, India, Marriage Tagged with: ,

South Indian Wedding Feast
January 14th, 2016 by Srinivas Krishnaswamy
South Indian Wedding Feast

Via Cravebits

Let’s start off with a quiz on South Indian wedding feast

1. What’s the most important reason for attending a South Indian wedding?

No prizes for guessing! It’s the South Indian wedding feast. To hell with the groom and the bridegroom.

2. Are south Indian wedding feasts free for guests?

Every business transaction requires an investment from at least one party. That investment is the gift. In other words, the gift is your ticket to the South Indian wedding feast. It’s up to you if you can make it count!

Seriously, wedding feasts have come a long way!

Here is an extract from The Mahabharata that describes the what’s in store for a suitable match for the daughter of King Drupada of Panchala.

She will choose from noble suitors gathered from the west and east,
Bright and fair shall be the wedding, rich and bounteous be the feast!

Of course, the rest is history.

Long story short (pun intended), before you go to any South Indian wedding feast, you need to be aware of the fact that feasts are probably the only reason most of the guests have shown up. Now, this brings in an element of competition. Imagine yourself to be a gladiator with no spectators. Would you ever go into a gladiator ring without training or preparation?

Preparing yourself for a South Indian wedding feast

There are three things you need to do before venturing to attend a South Indian wedding feast. Read these tips carefully.

1. Mastering the banana leaf

What’s synonymous with a South Indian wedding feast – It’s the banana leaf! Don’t worry, you will not be eating the banana leaf. That’s for the goats and cows after the banana leaf is discarded.

Eating on banana leaf is an experience! However, to experience the joys of eating on the banana leaf, you need to master certain techniques and etiquette.

In simple words, without understanding the intricacies of eating on the banana leaf, you will be like a lamb among a pride of lions.

Don’t worry, just watch this video tutorial on how to eat on a banana leaf.

Now that you have learned the fundamentals of eating on a banana leaf, let’s put you on some advanced techniques.

2. Getting a wingman or three

As with dating, getting a wingman (or wing woman?) to accompany you is very important for any South Indian wedding feast.

However, our recommendation is that you need at least three more wingmen or wing women to join you.

Here is how they work. Look at the diagram below.

South Indian Wedding Feast

When you have three friends with you, you should strategically seat yourself away from the direction from which the caterers bring in the food items one by one. The advantage of this approach is that you can then have your friends ahead of you to quickly tell you if the item being served is worth the space on your banana leaf before it is served! This way you can maximize the limited space on your banana leaf to pile up items that you love eating. This is also a  socially conscious approach as you minimize food waste!

3. Don’t forget the advanced preparations

Rome was not built in a day and neither is your preparation for attending a South Indian wedding feast! You should prepare well. A minimum of 1-week’s notice is required for any guest to maximize the ROI at the South Indian wedding feast. Well, it’s pretty easy. You should start fasting, at least, 1-week before the D-day. But remember to drink plenty of water and make sure you stay alive before your attend the South Indian wedding feast.

South Indian Wedding Feast

Experienced guests also have other strategies to prepare for the South Indian wedding feast. One week before the marriage, try practicing fasting followed by an eating binge. If you have Muslim friends, draw inspiration from Ramzan. This will help you maximize food intake and prepare your stomach for the D-day assault. Indulge your senses by watching as many food shows as possible on television.

Four strategies on the wedding day

Now it’s time to put into practice everything you have learned and trained for to ace your South Indian wedding feast.

1. Reconnaissance

This technique is also called a “recce” unofficially. If you are a terrorist planning to plant a bomb, you will first spend some time observing the location and all its vulnerabilities. When you first arrive at the wedding hall, remember to mentally map out the place and all the hurdles between you and the dining hall.South Indian Wedding Feast

It’s important that you identify all the blind spots and make sure the dining hall is never in your blind spot at all the times. In an emergency, you may have to abandon all protocols to rush to the dining hall.

2. Bait & switch

You will notice that there is a big queue to meet the couple. Every one of them in the queue is your competitors in the dining hall. For novices that have never attended a wedding before, there are three reasons people line up in the South Indian wedding.

  1. To hand over the gift to the couple (A great way to get rid of ‘gifts’)
  2. Take a photograph with the couple (Indians are used to giving attendance from an early age)
  3. Get to the dining hall as quickly as possible (Like Flash Gordon, if possible)

You will have to somehow get in front of this queue or risk the possibility of the kitchen running out of some of your favorite items. The best strategy to cut the line is to pretend you know somebody in the line and inquire about them like a long lost friend.

South Indian wedding feast

Before they know what hit them, you have left all the suckers behind. What’s left for you to do now is to hand over the gift to the couple, take a quick photograph, and make a dash for the dining hall.

3. Timing of the food service

You should keep pace with the frequency with which dishes are served otherwise you will be still enjoying starters while the service moves on to the main course. Here is how it works.

South Indian Wedding Feast

Invariably the bride’s uncles are keeping a close watch on wedding crashers who come in just for the feast and you don’t want to attract their attention.

If you start demanding items that were already served to the rest of the crowd, you will stand out and attract unnecessary attention.

Having wingmen also comes into play in these situations. If you are falling behind the service, your wingman closest to the caterer (as he walks by serving food) can alert you to what’s coming up next so that you can make room on your banana leaf. Rookies will find that the caterer will pass them by if they are still working on the other items!

4. The importance of the wingman

We saw how important your wingman is when it comes to providing an early warning on what’s good and what’s coming up next. However, you cannot take just any random hungry friend as your wingman. You need to pick them carefully. Here are some broad traits or characteristics of your ideal wingman.

  1. They will have a keen sense of observation. They need to spot a caterer carrying the food items at least from 200 meters distance.
  2. They will share similar tastes when it comes to food items. How else will they give you advance notice when they taste something good?
  3. They themselves are not gluttons. Poor eaters are ideal wingmen. This way, you can polish off the leftovers from their banana leaf without feeling guilty. After all, you are helping in the war against food waste!South Indian Wedding Feast

Always draw inspiration from the wolf. They always hunt in packs and so should you.

Put our scientifically proven and time-tested tips to practice at your next South Indian wedding feast and let us know how it worked out for you.

Other awesome posts you will love

17 Christmas Gift Ideas For Your Indian Mother-in-law

10 Commandments On Love For Indians


Did you know that Jodi Logik is the ideal wingman for your arranged marriage? Sign up for FREE!



Posted in Arranged Marriage, Humour, India, Marriage Tagged with: , ,

January 1st, 2016 by Srinivas Krishnaswamy

new year resolutions

Creative ways to break your New Year resolutions

We all are guilty of making New Year resolutions in our lives. As you would have already realised by now, it is extremely hard to follow through on our New Year resolutions. You will probably agree that every one of us secretly crave to find ways to break our New Year resolutions without feeling guilty!

So, without much ado, here is a list of 11 creative ways to break your New Year resolutions and feel good about it.

1. I will stop eating cakes

New Year Resolutions

Who doesn’t love cakes? If you don’t love cakes, you haven’t probably eaten one in your life! So how do you know you love cakes. Remember the last birthday party or office party you attended that involved cake cutting? If you were secretly angling for the biggest piece, you are a certified cake lover, a greedy one at that!

Your Doctor has given you a red corner notice about cutting down on fat and you hate the spare tires around your waist. These are probably some of the reasons people end up taking a New Year resolution to stay away from cakes.

If you are a victim of the “stay away from cakes” resolution, we have the perfect solution for you.

According to Stella Metsovas, a clinical nutritionist, “Physicians recommend drinking warm water in the morning, usually, with a polyphenol-rich lemon immersion, or with a tea shown to decrease free radical activity in the body. Drinking a glass of warm water and a lemon will help break down the adipose tissue, or body fat, in your body, and also, control food craving due to lemon’s pectin fiber.

Now double down on cakes without feeling any guilt. Who said New Year resolutions should make you feel guilty?

2. Staying away from ice creams

New Year Resolutions

Who doesn’t love cold ice creams on a hot, sunny day?

Especially in India, where the temperature swings from oppressively hot to blazing hot, you probably crave for an ice cream 12 months of the year.

A typical ice cream cone will add about 350 calories depending on how many toppings you add.

Here are some creative ways to burn off these calories without feeling guilty.

Take public transportation to work. The short sprints needed to catch your bus, the energy needed to push and shove into a crowded bus or train should burn off most of your ice cream – fat.

Once you reach the office, take the stairs or play tag with your colleague or boss. If you run a few time up and down the various floors of your office, you should have burnt most of the calories. Creatively finding ways to burn off calories is a great way to kiss goodbye to your New Year resolutions.

3. No more pizza or burger for dinner

Via Jim Holmes for AusAID

Via Jim Holmes for AusAID

If you think there is not much of a difference between fast food and cocaine, welcome to the club of junk food addicts. Some of us convince ourselves by adding extra veggie toppings on the pizza. Never mind the extra cheese or meat! After getting into the routine of falling into a food coma, you may think that the person that invented home delivery should be arrested.

Fear not, you can continue to eat junk food and still live to tell the tale.

Livestrong has a “Whole Pizza Work Out” challenge to burn of 1000s of calories. But if you have the capacity and time to do that, you wouldn’t be reading this post!

So here is a creative way to burn off the junk food and feel good about it. Turn off the taps at your home. Then line up a bunch of buckets and start filling water for your everyday use. The trick here is to find a tap that’s not in your home. This technique works even better if you have to climb two or three stories to get to your place! New Year resolutions should always be practical. We bet your city (in India) will eventually face water scarcity and you will be looking forward to it!

4. The end of chocolates

New Year Resolutions

What started out as the “Food of the Gods” has now morphed into something that can create problems for our waist and teeth! The milk, cream and mostly sugar that saturates chocolates today are the culprits. If you need the original recipe for how chocolate for prepared, look no further. According to a writing published in 1556, here is how the Mayans and the Aztecs prepared the chocolate.

These seeds which are called… cacao are ground and made into powder, and other small seeds are ground, and this powder is put into certain basins… and then they put water on it and mix it with a spoon. And after having mixed it very well, they change it from one basin to another, so that a foam is raised which they put in a vessel made for the purpose. And when they wish to drink it, they mix it with certain small spoons of gold or silver or wood, and drink it, and drinking it one must open one’s mouth because being foam one must give it room to subside and go down bit by bit.

This drink is the healthiest thing, and the greatest sustenance of anything you could drink in the world, because he who drinks a cup of this liquid, no matter how far he walks, can go a whole day without eating anything else.

If you can follow this recipe, we guarantee, you will stop your habit immediately or continue to eat chocolate without feeling guilty anymore. Swallowing bitter medicine. that’s one way of staying a step ahead of your New Year resolutions.

5. Putting an end to shopping sprees

Shopping is therapy for most women and sometimes for men too. It puts you on a high and gives momentary pleasure and satisfaction. There are clever ways to put an end to shopping once and for all. Here is one such example.

Happy New Year

We are tempted to succumb to the rather convincing set of arguments presented in this image. But to hell with that. How can you go on a shopping spree and still feel good about it?

Our best is to go to any of the Saravana Stores in Chennai. This is a store that will put any Chinese supermarket to shame with its rock bottom prices and you won’t burn a hole in the pocket. The stores also have multiple floors to help you burn off all the calories. And on top of that, you will be constantly battling fellow shoppers.

In summary, these stores are a unique combination of your local train during rush hour combined with shopping! You can shop and you will drop very quickly. Who said New Year resolutions should include a self-imposed ban on shopping?

6. Ending your addiction to your cell phone

Cell phones have now become our go-to gadget for staying away from people and avoiding eye contact with family members, friends as well as strangers. Here is how most of us feel about our cellphones?

New Year Resolutions

So what’s the best way to get over the addiction without guilt? Switch to this phone!

New Year Resolutions

Now you can use your phone without ever spending more on data!

7. Stop the Facebook addiction

New Year ResolutionsMost probably you found this article on Facebook and we don’t have any complaints against Facebook! But Facebook addiction is a real issue and we don’t fault you for becoming an addict.

In fact, there is an illustrated book on how to get over your Facebook addiction. If you follow our page on Facebook, we will also make sure you get periodic tips on how to get over your Facebook addiction! Find us a better way of breaking New Year resolutions and we will stop posting on Facebook for an entire day!

8. Stop the selfie addiction

Are you addicted to selfies? There are different stages of selfie addiction. At first, you make do with the crappy phone you have, you then buy phones with a gazillion megapixels of camera resolution and then finally, when your addiction gets really bad, you get the selfie stick. Now just imagine what would have happened if Einstein had a selfie addiction?

New Year Resolutions

Here is a neat little trick to get out of the selfie addiction without actually giving up on it. Remember the phone we recommended for your cell phone addiction? Yes, it’s a multi-purpose tool and can solve your selfie addiction! Never knew it would take a scientist to help manage your New Year resolutions!

9. Lose weight and get fit!

New Year Resolutions

We meant black cats with four legs and no guns. Image Credits: Sowmya S Das

Who does not want to work out on a daily basis, and stay in shape? If course this is not as easy as it seems and you need a foolproof way to back away from the resolution without feeling guilty.

The answer lies in adopting a black cat. Just remember that if a black cat crosses your path, it’s a sign of bad omen. Every morning, get ready to go to the gym and your pet cat is bound to cross paths. That’s a great excuse to abandon plans for the gym. Bye bye, New Year resolutions!

10. Quit smoking

Who does not love to puff on a cigarette, at the end of a long day or (in between) to relieve stress? The best way to break this resolution is to dunk your head in a bucket of cold water and do inhaling/exhaling exercises with your nose, while underwater. This can permanently cure you of all your illness if you do this long enough.

A creative marketing agency came up with a unique painting that shows a bunch of mourners and a pastor looking down upon you. Should be a great reminder of what can happen if you don’t quit smoking.New Year Resolutions

What’s your excuse for getting out this guilt trap?

Just remind yourself that you are a Hindu or get converted right away. That’s an easy way to break your New Year resolution!

11. Quit Drinking

Drinking is a habit that affects millions of people worldwide. Promising not to drink is also one of the most popular New Year resolutions that fail to follow through.

Recently, Chennai was inundated in a flood of epic proportions. But the State Government of Tamil Nadu kept all its liquor shops open immediately after the flood waters receded and they started doing roaring business! So as you can see even State Governments cannot kick its liquor habit!

New Year Resolutions

The best way to give up drinking and still keep drinking is to try alternative brews. Try buttermilk that’s not stored in a refrigerator and made from fermented yoghurt. It will taste like some fancy brew (Feni) and you can still pretend to drink locally made toddy.

Let’s raise our glasses to a Happy New Year!


Why don’t you take a New Year resolution that you can actually keep?

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