Break up after engagement happens!
The real question that we should all be asking ourselves is “Are we ready to face a break up after engagement?”
According to Huffington Post, our brains reacts to a break up that same way it reacts to a drug withdrawal! We know that’s not a pretty experience for anyone.
In India, where arranged marriages are prevalent, a break up after the engagement is not just about dealing with our personal disappointment and dreams turning into a nightmare, it is also a loss of face for the entire family!
If you are keen on reading engagement break up stories, you will find people sharing their failed engagement stories on Quora.
The only advantage that Indians have when they go through arranged marriage is that engaged couples are usually not in love before the marriage and that makes breaking up a little less emotional for the parties involved.
If you are planning to end your engagement or if you ever face this situation in the future, we have lined up 15 important things you should do in order to handle your break up after engagement. After all, every failed engagement should be seen as a temporary setback and not the end of the world.
15 things to do to manage a breakup like a boss!
Here is our comprehensive list of things you should consider doing once you choose to break off your engagement. We have included all the cold, calculated things you should do along with softer things that will help you cope with the breakup after engagement.
1. Communicate your decision to the other party
Once you decide to break up the engagement, make sure you communicate your decision to your fiance / fiancee and his / her family directly. Don’t leave hints and hope that they will get your message! If you are going through an arranged marriage, the communication can be handled by your parents.
Not taking calls, not showing up at a place when you have already made plans to meet, or radio silence of any sort doesn’t help your cause.
Be up front about why you want to break off the engagement and you are NOT obligated to let them down gently.
2. Seek the support of close family members
Thankfully, family members are a key part of arranged marriages and even love marriages (eventually). Unlike the western world, you may not be left to suffer the pain of going through a break up after engagement all alone.
In arranged marriages, breaking up after the engagement is a family decision and their support on this matter is granted once the decision is made.
It is important to seek the support of family members other than your parents or siblings who might be emotionally upset about the turn of events and may not be able to think clearly.
3. Be ready to report it to authorities
Depending on the reason for your decision to break up after the engagement, you should keep your mind about reporting the other party to law enforcement.
Especially in India, cases of dowry harassment or mistreatment of women by the fiance is not uncommon. In some instances, you may discover that your fiance is already married or has other illicit relationships.
In all such cases, you are better off reporting the incident to law enforcement. Don’t let pleading or appeals for mercy deter you from reporting it.
If you have had a sexual relationship after your engagement, there is a distinct possibility of the girl’s family filing rape charges.
4. Communicate your decision to friends and family
Once you have communicated your decision to your fiance / fiancee, it is important to make sure all your family members and friends are intimated about your decision to break the relationship.
This will help avoid embarrassing situations for you. You certainly don’t want a relative or friend to congratulate you publicly on your engagement (that you secretly terminated) or ask you about the wedding date!
People are curious by nature and anyone hearing about your break up will want to understand what really happened. Be ready with a consistent answer. Decide to what extent you will reveal the gory details and just stick to the same story once you have made up your mind.
5. Erase all traces of the relationship
Every one of us has a different way to cope with a break-up.
If you are going through an arranged marriage and you are forced to end the engagement, the best strategy to move on is to destroy all traces of the engagement. In arranged marriages, engagement ceremonies are elaborate and family / friends are all invited. These ceremonies are recorded by multiple photographers and videographers in some cases. Make sure all copies are accounted for and destroyed.
If you are breaking off an engagement with someone you loved, you may find it difficult to erase anything and everything that will remind you of your failed relationship. Some people end up holding on to a few items as a memento or keep the items in a boxed up, never to be opened.
Our recommendation is to take a clean break and erase everything that reminds them of the relationship.
Don’t forget to unfollow / unfriend your ex-fiance / fiancee from all social media accounts and block their emails as well. You can change your phone number as well just to be on the safe side.
6. Return gifts exchanged before the breakup
Elaborate engagement ceremonies in India always include a bevy of expensive gift items exchanged between the newly engaged couple and their families.
The best approach to deal with these gifts is to catalog the gift items you may have received and the gift items you may have given out in order to arrange an exchange with the other family.
Make sure there is a written evidence about the returned gifts in order to avoid future claims.
7. Make sure you cancel all wedding arrangements
When you end your engagement, it’s not a pleasant affair. It is natural to find yourself consumed by anger, grief, sadness and hopelessness about your situation. While all this drama is unfolding, you will probably lose sight of arrangements you or family might have made for the wedding.
These arrangements include marriage hall, caterer bookings, photographer, wedding invitation printer and in some cases travel books for you and your relatives. Make sure you cancel all these arrangements as soon as the decision to end the relationship is taken.
Document the financial loss you will incur when you cancel the wedding preparation and negotiate with the other party to make sure they assume equal responsibility for the monetary loss.
Even the Supreme Court of India supports the idea of reimbursing / sharing expenses if the engagement is broken off!
8. Handling the break up in a foreign country
If you are engaged to an NRI and you are living with him / her in a foreign country, things can get tricky if you choose to end the engagement while you are with your fiance.
The key to managing such situations is to make sure you are always in possession of your passport and some emergency funds that you can access if required.
You should also share your whereabouts with your family members. Ideally, if you have friends and family members in the country you are visiting, you should know how to reach them in an emergency. Being aware of how to contact emergency responders or local law enforcement in the country you are visiting is a must.
Did you know? The K-1 visa allows you to visit your fiance in the US.
9. Learn how to deal with rumors and gossip mongers
When you go through a break up after engagement, you are likely to become a victim of baseless rumors and gossip. Considering the fact that your engagement was well publicized, people will start assuming things or spread their own version of the events that lead to your break up.
The key to successfully dealing with rumors about your failed engagement is to stick to one version of the story and remain consistent with it.
Keep yourself busy and remember that there is no need to explain or clarify your situation to anyone other than your immediate family members. Rumors have a short lifespan if you choose not to respond to every rumor or becoming too defensive.
Are you being forced into a marriage you don’t want? Read our comprehensive article on how to say no to an arranged marriage. Click here to read more.
10. Breaking with one you love
Breaking up after engagement becomes a difficult and tricky affair if you were in love with the person you were engaged to.
Here is an extract from a scientific study that proves that break up with someone you were in love with is physically tough on you.
Neuroscientist Dr. Lucy Brown conducted an experiment in 2010, in which her team looked at the brains of the recently jilted with the help of an MRI machine. Participants were shown photos of both a platonic pal and a recent ex, and the brains’ responses to each photo were then compared.
Brown found that a photo of an ex activated the same brain regions that are stimulated when someone’s going through cocaine withdrawal.
The best way to handle such situations would be to stop looking for answers and run a personal inquisition to find a reason for what happened! You will be better off believing that it was not meant to be and move on with your life.
Also, remove every possibility of bumping into your ex as you go about your day to day life. Having a supportive family and good set of friends will be helpful as you grieve the loss and attempt to come out of it.
11. Don’t blame yourself
When people break up, they tend to introspect and invariably start doubting if they have an inherent flaw that led to the breakup. Remember that every relationship involves two people and for it to work, the two of you have to demonstrate compatibility. A broken relationship has many reasons and you cannot confuse incompatibility with your personal flaws.
Blaming yourself for a break up after engagement can have negative consequences for you. You may end up suppressing your opinion or ignoring bad behavior of your future partner just to avoid going through another breakup!
12. Take care of yourself
In the land of Devdas, we are used to seeing jilted lovers and people with failed relationships go into a tailspin by getting drunk, and acquiring a taste for other bad habits.
While it is OK to grieve the loss of a relationship and feeling bad when dealing with the “shame” of a failed engagement, you will be better off if you make a conscious attempt at taking care of yourself even after you break up after engagement.
Going out with friends, going on a holiday, working out, getting a manicure and pedicure, eating out, shopping, are some of the things that you should consider doing to regain your mojo.
13. Handle common friends with care
When you break up after engagement with someone you share friends with, you need to have a clear strategy to handle such friendships after the breakup.
First of all, if you force them to choose sides, you may end up losing their friendship forever. Remember this before putting a gun on their head! Be ready to deal with a double whammy of a broken engagement and lost friends in such a scenario.
Avoid trash talking to your common friends if you plan on venting with them! Try not to put down your ex-fiance when you are talking with common friends after the breakup.
Make sure your common friends know your boundaries as far as talking about your ex-fiance in the future. Communicate your expectations clearly and don’t be caught off guard later on.
14. Take a break from relationships
When you are injured, you take a break from your routine to rest and recuperate. The same principle applies to broken relationships.
If you believe your break up after engagement has taken an emotional toll on you, it is OK to stay off matrimony sites or dating sites for some time. Let your family and friends know that you are not ready to be “set up” again till you are ready.
Don’t let your zealous family members to pressurize you into saying yes to another match if you believe you are not yet ready to go through with it.
15. Learn from mistakes
Every failed relationship or a breakup after the engagement is a blessing in disguise. They give you an opportunity to identify some mistakes you may have made and correct them.
Some of the mistakes people make when they decide to get engaged include – Placing too much emphasis on the wedding ceremony and parties and ignoring the person; Ignoring red flags such as drinking habits or behavioral issues for the sake of keeping up appearances or family honor; Saying yes to someone just because your friends are married or engaged.
A break up after engagement gives you the luxury of avoiding the missteps you made the first time and keeping your eyes open when you walk into a relationship.
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Posted in Marriage, Relationship
Tagged with: Arranged Marriage, Break up, Engagement, relationship
Choosing a life partner is about answering key questions
Choosing a life partner is arguably the most critical decision one takes as an adult. It is the determinant of most future happiness. You think I am exaggerating?
A study running since 1938 at Harvard backs me up. Dr. Waldinger, a clinical psychologist, has established that relationships with spouses (friends too, but spouses were emphasized) protects you against chronic disease, mental illness, and memory loss well into your 80s!
And whether you are Bill Gates or a street vendor, marital happiness can be a buffer against many of the slings and arrows of an outrageous fate. Case in point is Maharaj from Bombay. He doesn’t ask for a better job or more money despite many days when he walked home to just get his wife a Gajra. His only prayer appears to be asking for someone like Lakshmi to be his wife again!
From Humans of Bombay
So let us tackle the question of choosing a life partner by addressing the 5 Ws – Why, When, Where, What, and Who.
1. Why does one need a life partner?
Look around you. The best friend who is available 24X7 right now is going to move on with his/her life in the near future and you won’t be such a priority anymore? Mom and dad? Your roles will reverse in the near-to-far future with age and its host of health issues catching up with them. You will be the caregiver, not the taken-care-of.
Bottom Line: You have to start building your own little nest.
Besides, study after study establishes one thing clearly, marriage makes you happier than a 6 figure salary or a strong faith. Marriage also grants you good health. The catch is, it has to be a fairly happy marriage. Fighting is fine, maybe even great, but the connection to your spouse and trust in him/her is essential.
Surprisingly, marriage can give you wealth too. Marriage has been shown to consistently increase household income in a study conducted in the US. With both partners working, sharing housework and household expenses, this is a no-brainer.
Life is fun as a single person and free of all the complexity and the intrigue taking on another person and their family entails. But avoiding marriage to avoid these is like throwing the baby out with the bathwater. The complexities will simplify, intrigues will disappear over time, leaving just companionship behind. At some point, you will want someone who has shared your journey and can understand everything you want to say without a single word being said.
Quoting Rajesh Khanna in Anand, “Life should be great, not long.”
The right partner will make the life seem worthwhile even through old age and ill health. Marriage really is an excellent long term investment, if done right.
2. When is the right time?
A very succinct answer to this question is, whenever the right one shows up. But, both society and biology conspire against us, pressuring us to settle with the one available right now rather than search for the right one.
If you look around you, the optimal age for settling down seems to be 20 – 30, lower end for girls upper end for boys. God forbid if you are even approaching the upper limit! Everyone from the maid of 30 years to the distant aunt you have seen twice in your life starts suggesting someone for you. Then there is the inevitable round of temples and dargahs and prayer/fasting regimes.
Biology doesn’t help either, Indian women are advised by well-meaning relatives to finish with childbearing before 30. The biological clock ticks on for another decade at least, and research supports 20 – 35 as the ideal childbearing age for women. But, even our Indian gynecologists want us to finish up by 30!
That possibly puts an upper limit on how long you can look and the age of marriage at roughly 26 for women and 28 for men.
Then there is the herd mentality to marriage. You are determined to enjoy the joys of singlehood as long as possible, but your friends, colleagues start dropping into the marriage trap one by one. Suddenly you find yourself alone or just on the periphery of your group on weekends, holidays and get-togethers and you slowly start thinking may be the right time to choose is Now.
When is the wrong time to get married? That is very easy. It is whenever you are feeling especially low or overwhelmed by the move to a new city, the job you dislike, the promotion you didn’t get and so on and so forth. Important decisions are best made when you are at peace with yourself.
Best time to choose a life partner is when you have the inner peace.
Let us say you moved to a new city and you desperately miss dad picking you from work whatever time you leave or mum having a hot meal ready to the second you step into your home. If you search for a life-partner based on your current frame of mind, you will end up with a chauffeur or a cook! Not that there is anything wrong with either profession, but does this correlate with your long term goals?
Working through the minor crisis, alone, builds character. And helps your confidence level.
3. Where to look for a life partner?
There are real two main camps for looking for a spouse, Arranged marriage and Love marriage. That is one where your parents help you in choosing a life partner and one where you are totally on your own.
Typically arranged marriages start with the rather embarrassed girl or the equally embarrassed guy dressed in their adult best, a saree for the girl, suit for the boy, walking to the local photo studio for marriage biodata photos is still very much a fact of life these days.
The pictures travel more widely than the boy/girl probably would, with pictures posted on popular matrimony websites seen everywhere from Timbuktu to Kalamazoo. They also make their way to various marriage brokers, temples where the retired aunts and uncles meet for spiritual upliftment, social connection, gossip and matching making for their infinite brood of young relatives.
Basically, at the start, finding a spouse via arranged marriage has remained the same, except for expanding the horizon to search for the right one.
But the actual marriage has modernized considerably, the days of setting sight on your spouse for the first time at the wedding ceremony are long gone. Nowadays, both the girl and boy are presented with a pool of potential candidates. Both are given an opportunity to communicate both face-to-face and by phone and email before deciding. The onus of identifying the list of potential candidates falls on the parents in an arranged marriage.
An American study by Dr. Pamela Reagan, comparing arranged marriage and love marriage found the level of marital satisfaction to be exactly the same! Read this interesting post comparing love marriages with arranged marriages in India.
The world is your oyster if you choose to go the love marriage route. Dating websites, overseas assignments, vacations, the right partner could be anywhere, right? Wrong. We are built so that familiarity breeds attraction. Most of the time you fall in love with someone familiar. Familiarity changes strangers to friends and potentially something deeper.
Attraction may be magnetic, but we ourselves are not magnets. Human nature being what it is, we are frequently attracted to those similar to us. Despite the seemingly wide gulf between the approaches, the net result is the same. You end up with someone in the same socio-economic class with similar education, caste and creed.
Look at how many boys and girls from IITs or IIMs end up with a spouse from the same institute. Similarly, workplaces are popular hunting grounds for finding your life partner.
Even if you decide you are going to hunker down and focus exclusively on work and keep personal life separate, well-meaning, meddlesome co-workers will keep nudging you until you first look, then fall. That’s life.
You can take a liberal society away from arranged marriage, but you cannot escape a quasi-arranged marriage in any society!
4. What to look for when choosing a life partner?
We are in the age of equality now, way past the time when the man provided security and woman took care of the house. Earning potential in a man should be above a baseline, but it is not the most critical trait to look for in a partner. Similarly, it is nice if the girl can cook and do household work, but it is definitely not her most important qualification.
Nowadays the girl wants a boy who is nurturing and willing to share in the household work. The boy wants a girl who is well-educated and can pitch in and help with all the dreams and aspirations of life in these modern times.
Psychologists suggest looking for a partner who is socially responsible, respectful and emotionally supportive. Someone who:
- Takes care of their parents, siblings and friends when needed.
- Is willing to help another person in need will definitely do the same for you.
- Treats people with respect is bound to treat you and your people with respect.
- Has the emotional intelligence and will be there for you through all the ups and downs.
And if the person can communicate well? Jackpot!
5. Who is the right one?
Decades-old psychologist research says, the right one is someone who generates a sort of Trikonasana of the heart: Touching all three points of the love triangle :
- Intimacy: The person with whom you feel a deep connection, someone to whom you pretty feel close, regardless of how long you have known him/her. This is the someone you will gladly share your first and only cup of coffee in the morning. This is the someone whose fight with his/her boss rouses the lion in you for protection. The someone you will defend to parents, siblings, and best friend. Ultimately someone who will offer you emotional support and lean on you in a crisis.
- Passion: The person who you find attractive definitely, but also the one who shares your passions. An animal rights activist and a fur coat fashionista don’t belong together! On the other hand, someone who takes your passion and makes it their passion is a definite yes. Passion is the driving force for any romance.
- Commitment: Someone who makes a conscious decision to stay with you through good times and bad. And vice versa of course. Commitment to each other grows slowly with time, but it is essential to get past the first few fights you have.
When you are choosing a life partner, the initial drive is the passion or the chemistry that drives your attraction. This will fade over time but the intimacy will deepen. The ability to listen deeply to each other, define common values, convey and understand each others needs all are signs of deepening intimacy.
Commitment is essential to maintain the relationship. Like Michael Simmon says, marriage is hard work, the right person is the one who will inspire you to put on the hard work and energy to make it a great life.
Your friends and/or family can present you with a line of candidates with the right combination of good looks, education, socio-economic background and every other small and big trait that could go into making the right life partner for you. But, not one of them and no amount of psychology or predictive mathematical model or IBM Watson or Google’s DeepMind can correctly guess or help you in choosing a life partner!
But always remember, choosing a life partner is only the first step. Both of you will have to invest time and energy in each other to make a good life of it.
The right person also understands despite all the hype, marriage is not melding of two souls. You will always remain two individuals, but two individuals who share a deep abiding bond. To quote Gibran “Let there be spaces in your togetherness…The oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.”
Choosing a life partner: Get started on your journey!
My favourite stories to teach how to choose your partner is Beatrice in Much Ado About Nothing, and if you haven’t seen Kenneth Branaugh and Emma Thompson in the movie version, please do! Their chemistry is irresistible.
It is obvious to us viewers of the play that the sharp tongue and wit Beatrice shows can only be matched by Bernard. Though they start the play despising each other and the idea of marriage in general. His friends and her friends conspire to set them up. The time being right for them, they quickly develop such intimacy that Bernard takes her side when her friend is unjustly maligned and agrees to duel his own kinsman! Everything finally works out and they end up happy and together totally overshadowing the main romance, that of Claudio and Hero.
This also goes to show how important humour and a sense of fun is in choosing a life partner, Hero/Claudio are bound by boring things like honour and reputation while Beatrice/Bernard engage in the most delightful word duels.
Here is a simple how-to list to get you started on the journey to choosing a life partner.
First and foremost look deep within yourself and find your weakness, strength and priorities. This will give you clarity in coming up with the initial list of possibilities.Second, perform Tim Urban’s Traffic – Test on anyone who interests you. Is this person interesting enough to make you want to thank a traffic jam for allowing you to be together longer? To pass this test, the other person needs to be fun, have a great sense of humor, know and respect how your brain works and finally share a good number of your interests, activities and preferences.Third, look at the other person’s flaws and see if you find them acceptable. You may work on your flaws and eliminate them or acquire others, but, at this moment, you are defined as much by your flaws as by any of your sterling qualities. Your life partner must accept you as you are, not take you on as an improvement project. And of course, vice versa.Fourth, take your time. Don’t let the amount of time this is taking get to you. Always remember it is better to spend time choosing a life partner than wasting time regretting the one you ended up hastily choosing.Fifth, and finally, Lean-In! Take the help of your near and dear ones to decide on the one, who will, with time become nearest and dearest to you!
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Posted in Love, Relationship
Tagged with: Love, Marriage, relationship
Average height of Indian men matters a lot for women
The average age of Indian men is 165 cms according to a study in 2006 by National Institute of Nutrition, Indian council of Medical Research.
Most women in India and elsewhere seem to prefer “tall, dark, and handsome” men when it comes to relationships. It’s not just women, look around, you will find tall men wherever there is a need to create a good impression. The average height of Indian men seems to matter a lot for all of us!
Go to any fancy hotel in India and you will be greeted by a doorman. Here is one doorman we found just in case you haven’t seen one yet!
if you are adventurous, you can venture to the Wagah border for the famous border closing ceremony that involves border guards from India and Pakistan performing a ceremonial ‘military-style dance’ before literally shoving the gates on each other. You will notice that the men performing the ceremony are all very tall.
Via: Estetika / Peter van Aller
Even Bollywood actors are tall (well mostly). The famous exceptions being Salman Khan, Amir Khan, Kamal Haasan to name a few. Check out the heights of all leading Bollywood men can be found here.
We can go on and on about the average height of Indian men and the preference for taller men in key walks of life.
So what why do women prefer taller men? Let’s look at what experts have to have to say about this.
1. Taller men indicate better health
If you observe the average height of Indian men when compared to that of men from other countries, Indian men fall short 🙂
Here is a chart that will show you where the average height of Indian men falls relative to that of men from other countries.
Notice that the average age of Indian men is the lowest in the group! Every country in the chart fares better in terms of health parameters.
According to Times of India,
Between 1914 and 2014, the average height of Indian men increased by about 3cm to reach 165cm (5’5″) while women grew taller by 5cm to become 153cm (5’1″). This leaves our men about 17.5cm shorter than the world’s tallest males in the Netherlands, while Latvian women, the world’s tallest, tower above our women by 17cm.
According to Scientific American, “About 60 to 80 percent of the difference in height between individuals is determined by genetic factors, whereas 20 to 40 percent can be attributed to environmental effects, mainly nutrition.” We can infer that there is a definite connection between height and the health of any individual.
According to another study by Institute of Nuclear Medicine and Allied Sciences (INMAS) and All-India Institute of Medical Sciences (AIIMS), on average, an 18-year-old child belonging to an upper-income family in 2011 is about 4.5 centimeters taller than in 1992.
Let’s also look at this chart (see below) of heights of men and women across major states in India. You will notice that in Kerela (which has a better standard of living), men and women are taller and are growing taller than a lot of other states.
2. Tall men earn more and are considered leaders
Malcolm Gladwell is a popular writer of thought-provoking books and is highly regarded. In his book, Blink, Gladwell writes about the implicit association test that highlights our inherent biases. We end up making up our minds for no rational reason. For example, in India, a fair-skinned person is more likely to be treated with respect in public spaces. Here is an extract from his book that talks about the results of a study on the average salary of men based on their heights.
“Not long ago, researchers went back and analyzed the data from four large research studies, that had followed thousands of people from birth to adulthood, and calculated that when corrected for variables like age and gender and weight, an inch of height is worth $789 a year in salary.
That means that a person who is six feet tall, but who is otherwise identical to someone who is five foot five, will make on average $5,525 more per year.
As Timothy Judge, one of the authors of the study, points out: “If you take this over the course of a 30-year career and compound it, we’re talking about a tall person enjoying literally hundreds of thousands of dollars of earnings advantage.”
While no comparative study was done in India, we believe the bias associated with tall men’s availabilities are universal.
3. Taller men are more confident because…
Here are some extracts from a Psychology Today article by Dr. Susan Krauss Whitbourne. She analyzed a study done in 2013 by Dutch psychologists Gert Stulp, Abraham Buunk, and Thomas Pollet. Here are some key conclusions she highlights from the report.
“The results on partner preferences are a bit discouraging if you’re a short man. In general, women were more likely than men to think that the man should be taller and they didn’t want to be in a relationship in which they were taller than their male partners.
Unfortunately, in the area of personal satisfaction, there was some bad news from this study for short men, who reported being dissatisfied with their height.
These findings are consistent with the data from other studies showing that tall men enjoy an advantage in self-esteem and happiness.
Here again, the authors link the dissatisfaction of the shorter men to the fact that women prefer tall men!”
The early phase in any relationship or even in an arranged marriage process is driven by what we see rather than what we know about the prospective match.
We end up being judgemental about the person. For Indian women, the average height of Indian men matters a lot as it becomes a key part of the evaluation process when it comes to dating or marriage.
However, shorter men should not lose hope as personality and character should matter more than height once we get past the initial assumptions.
And finally, here is a big twist in the tale. Researchers have found that taller Indian women get better husbands!
According to a study by by sociologists Jeroen Smits (Radboud University) and Christiaan Monden (University of Oxford), taller than average women in India are more likely to marry, get higher educated husbands with better jobs and are less likely to marry at a very young age or to lose their husbands through divorce or premature death.
Now that’s one reason why the average height of Indian men matters to women (at least the tall ones!).
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Posted in India, Matchmaking, Relationship
Tagged with: India, men, relationship, Women
Yes, there are rules for dating a musician! Now imagine what happens when you choose to marry one!
Marrying a musician will eventually become common
If you are in India and dating a musician, your parents might have already created enough drama to make sure you have fixed a wedding date. And now, you are marrying a musician!
Music happens to be a growing business in India. According to KPMG, the music industry in India will be worth over $300 Million in less than 5 years from now!
Bollywood music comprises 80% of the music industry and the rest includes regional and classical music as well as western music. As the music industry grows in size and reach, brace yourself for seeing the word “musician” in matrimony ads!
It is obvious that if you are planning on marrying a musician, you need to tune yourself to a different lifestyle after marriage!
We decided to listen to what famous musicians have to say about their marriages to draw important lessons that you will find useful and also figure out why it is difficult for musicians to have relationships and how to handle a relationship with a musician.
1. Learn to love traveling
Musicians, the world over, have one common challenge to deal with. They end up traveling a lot. Let’s say you are marrying a popular classical musician or even an upcoming classical musician in India. They probably are dabbling with playback singing for a couple of regional languages film industries or even mainstream Bollywood movies. Recording songs can take them places. One in a while they also need to travel to different cities for private shows.
You also have seasonal music festivals (such as the December Carnatic music festival in Chennai as well as the Thiruvaroor festival in south Tamil Nadu). That’s not all, musicians end up traveling abroad (especially to the US) where there is a strong demand for classical musicians.
So be prepared to either travel a lot get ready to take charge of the household when your spouse is globe trotting!
2. Be ready to be ignored
Being a musician requires a lot of hard work. The only difference is that the amount of preparation that successful musicians put in before major concerts and events are enormous.
They will be busy preparing for weeks at a time for an upcoming event and there is only one thing on their minds, i.e. music. Everything else, including you, becomes secondary!
Image Credits: Kayaniv
Here is what Bombay Jayashri, who sang Pi’s Lullaby in the movie – “The Life of Pi” had to say about her marriage and the difficulties faced by her husband.
“I think it was very difficult for my husband Ramnath to understand me for a long time. I don’t think it is easy because several days before the concert I go into a zone and nothing can shake me out of it. And once I have gone out, sometimes even I forget that there is someone out there waiting for me to come home. And when I am on stage I completely forget that I am a wife, a mother or a daughter. So to cope with all this and still believe in oneself is not easy for a spouse.”
3. Dealing with adoring fans
If you are marrying a musician known for looks and talent, be prepared to deal with hordes of adoring fans who really don’t care about the fact that your spouse is no longer single! You will have to deal with groupies as well as stalkers. Here is what Sonu Nigam, a leading playback singer for Bollywood Movies had to say in an interview.
Image Credits: Bollywood Hungama
“I started getting slightly popular, the female interest around me grew. I met with a lot of wonderful women of different mindsets, qualities, and nationalities.
During a concert tour in Israel, I first realized how popular I had become. As soon as we came out of the airport, the women who were swooning over Chunky Pandey left him and showered me with kisses. My face was plastered with lipstick. I quite enjoyed that phase. I still get a lot of female attention and like it. Who wouldn’t?”
Jealousy and suspicion can destroy your marriage. Marrying a musician requires an inherent ability to trust your spouse.
4. Your spouse and your parents
Let’s assume you are marrying a woman who is a famous musician. It does not change the equation your wife will have with your parents.The same tensions, prejudices, cultural issues that plague women in every other profession can come into play. Musicians don’t have a “get out of the in-laws” pass. Their hectic schedule and preoccupation can sometimes come in the way of performing family obligations that your parents might consider very important. Be prepared for some fireworks!
This is what happened to Asha Bhosle.
“When she was only 16 years old, she fell in love with 31-year-old Ganpatrao Bhosle; he was Lata’s personal secretary. Asha was resolute in her desire to marry him, and much against the wishes of her family, she eloped with him.
However, her married life to Mr. Bhosle was short-lived; after a few years with him, she returned to her mother’s house with her two children and pregnant with her third. Although the details may never publicly be known for sure, the stated reason for the collapse of the marriage was her mistreatment at the hands of her in-laws.”
5. Learn to love your spouse and her music
Image Credits: Bollywood Hungama
Researchers have found that couples that adore each other and put them in a pedestal tend to have a life-long relationship. This is true for musicians as well! If you are marrying a musician, be prepared to learn more about her music and what makes her talent special. Show your commitment to her by supporting her in whatever way you can. A supportive spouse is a sign of a mature, long-lasting relationship.
Shreya Ghosal is an award-winning Bollywood playback singer. She got married to her long-time boyfriend in 2015. Here is what one of her close friends had to say about Shreya Ghoshal’s relationship.
“He would often come after office to my studio if we were recording Shreya’s songs and our adda (jam) session and khana (food) would happen. I love his unconditional love for her. He knows her as a friend and that friendship is unconditional. He is a techie, an entrepreneur, loves music, is a wonderful person and is her biggest admirer and one of the most solid supporters of her in her life in whatever she does. He is besotted by her singing.”
6. Musicians and ego
When you are a successful musician, you will end up having trouble in managing your ego when things go south. This is true for any successful artist in any profession. Rajesh Khanna’s marriage to Dimple Kapadia is an example of how volatile relationships can become when things don’t go well.
Let’s take the case of Pandit Ravi Shanker. He was once married to another Sitar exponent, Annapurna Devi. In the 1950s, she performed along with Ravi Shanker and supposedly received more adulation than Ravi Shanker! Then, all of a sudden, she vanished from the limelight and took a backseat. Here is what she had to say about her vanishing act.
Image Credits: Alexandra Ignatenko
“Panditji (Shankar) was not happy, as I received more appreciation than he did from both the audience and the critics whenever we performed together in the 1950s, and that had a negative impact on our marriage. Though he never categorically stopped me from performing in public, he made it clear in several ways that he wasn’t happy with the fact that I was drawing more applause.”
7. Musicians are arrogant
Musicians are not born arrogant. Nobody is! It’s just that once they start becoming popular, they are worshiped wherever they go. They are no less than a movie star in a country that adores music. No wonder, they end up living in a world that is completely insulated from the reality. This translates into arrogance. You may have married a musician before she became famous or have seen through all these issues to marry a musician. But, remember to play your role in keeping everything grounded!
T.M. Krishna is a popular Carnatic musician. He is known for his articulate views on classical music and is an active proponent of classical Carnatic music. In an interview to The Hindu, here is what he had to say about musicians.
Artists are very easily arrogant because we have at least 50 people around us telling us we are the best in the world. We live in this bubble.
If you are grappling with the question – “Should you marry a musician?”, here is a simple takeaway:
Marrying a musician is no different from marrying someone from any other profession. However, before marrying a musician, it helps to be aware of their unique characteristics that are dictated by their lifestyle and work-related pressures. At the end of the day, marrying a musician requires the same amount of hard work and sacrifices that you will need to make in any marriage. Finding someone that can reciprocate the emotional investments and personal sacrifices you will be making will ensure that your marriage remains strong for the long term!
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Posted in Arranged Marriage, Art, Bollywood, Love Marriage, Marriage, Relationship
Tagged with: Love, Marriage, Musician, relationship
What do men want from women? Don’t believe in stereotypes!
Men are the most misunderstood creatures. This misunderstanding also influences what you believe you know when it comes to answering the question – what do men want from women?
You might think you have figured out how men think based on what you see around you, but you are probably wrong. Both men and women are victims of gender stereotypes. Here are some examples of assumptions people make about men:
Men are supposed to be successful in everything they do.
Men cannot cry, no matter what happens.
Men are supposed to be the breadwinner of the family.
Men cannot communicate or express their emotions.
Well, these assumptions are just stereotypes painted by the media and cultural practices. Men are guilty of believing in these stereotypes and reinforcing them by acting in such a way that it fits the profile of what everybody believes a man should do. These biases also skew our understanding of what do men want from women.
We are not making this statement just to shock women and men. We have strong proof to back our claim.
Men are no different than women!
Janet Shibley Hyde, Ph.D., of the University of Wisconsin in Madison, concluded through her research that men and women are more alike than different based on a study that spanned two decades. Her paper, “The Gender Similarities Hypothesis” concluded that oversimplification of what we know about men causes problems in our relationship.
In this report, men and women were asked to respond to stressful situations while being told that their gender will not be revealed. Surprisingly, most men reacted less aggressively while women reacted more aggressively! This proves that if we are not self-conscious about our gender, our behavior is different!
The study also found that differences between men and women are not the same all the time. It varies based on the age and the stage in our lives which once again points to perceived role differences between men and women influencing how men behave. The fundamental premise for the question – “what do men want from women?” assumes that men are vastly different from women. This fundamental assumption is wrong!
How societies think about male and female roles
Target is a large retail chain in North America. They have products for everyone and for all ages. One customer tweeted this photograph (see below) and it went viral.
The customer was protesting at the practice of calling out “girl’s building set” implying that boys and girls prefer a different type of building set. Target reacted by phasing out separate boys and girls toys sections in their stores and making it gender neutral.
This is an example of how gender differences are reinforced by society and how things can change for the better. The gradual realization that men and women are alike should eventually make the question – “what do men want from women?” irrelevant. The question should always be “what does anyone want from a marriage or a relationship?”.
Stay at home dad?
Shelly Walia is an arts and culture journalist who writes about Bollywood, gender identity issues, Indian start-ups and entrepreneurs, and technology. She is a reporter for Quartz. One of her articles talks about the stay at home dad from Pune.
Atul Agnihotri is a 49-year-old stay at home dad from Pune. He is the “house husband” and his wife is the sole breadwinner in the family. Here is a picture of Atul Agnihotri and his family along with Aamir Khan.
Here is what he told Quartz about his life and his choice as a homemaker.
I finished my bachelor’s degree in production engineering from Pune University in 1988. Soon after, I started work and continued for five years. In 1993, I was married to Arundhati, my wife, who hails from Ahmednagar, a small town 60 miles from Pune. The following year, we had our daughter, Mrunmayee.
At the time, my father was bedridden. All of us lived in a small house, and being the eldest son, I started feeling very pressured. Nobody had forced me, but I knew I needed to arrange the money for his treatment, give my wife a better life by moving to a bigger house, and so forth.
I was all of 23.
My father’s health deteriorated. Matters went from bad to worse, and I started feeling helpless but found hope in alcohol. I started drinking sometimes. As my obligations increased over the next two years, I started drinking round-the-clock. I was out of control.
One of the darkest periods of my life was the day my father died. It was in 1996, and I wasn’t in my senses to perform the last rites. Somebody held my hand, somebody else supported me to stand on my feet, so that I could light the pyre. That day should have never come. I have no memory of seeing him for the last time.
My wife, though, was not easy to defeat. She—and she alone—took the step of taking her addicted husband to Muktangan, a residential rehabilitation center in Pune. I had troubled her deeply, but she stood by me.
As the procedure is, I was admitted for 35 days to break the cycle of alcohol and overcome addiction.
My wife was familiar with the recovery program. She wanted to be careful that there were no chances of a relapse. So, she offered me a solution: I could look after the house while she supported the family with her income.
I readily accepted her offer and today, I haven’t touched alcohol in 17 years. This inspired me to become an active social worker at the rehabilitation center. In fact, it was through Muktangan and a few media publications where I have been interviewed earlier, that Satyamev Jayate came across my name.
At the time, my daughter was very young. I gave her all my time. I would cook for her; drop her to school, the playground, tuitions, everything. And I think the upbringing has had a very positive impact on her. Today, she wants to be a social worker, and I am very happy with her decision.
Growing up, I had seen my mother toiling hard. I used to help her a lot—with cooking and cleaning—but I also knew her contribution to our family wasn’t ever acknowledged. Every day, she would make a rangoli at the doorstep of our small house. Nobody would ever see it or appreciate it. But her kindness, her selflessness, deeply impacted me.
In India, we correlate how much we work with the income the person earns. So if I don’t bring a paycheck home, then I am not doing anything.
You can read the rest of the story here.
The moral of this story is, yes, Indian men can be nurturing and are quite capable of running the household provided we give them an opportunity and treat men inclined to household work with disdain! This story also takes away the implied mystery behind the question – “what do men want from women?”.
What do men want from women and everybody else during weddings!
Here is the interesting infographics on what do men want from women and others during a wedding. Get ready to be surprised!
Now that we have proved that what we know about men and how they think is probably biased, let’s look at conclusively answering the question – What do men want from women?
Experts reveal the secrets!
We decided to examine results of numerous studies in different parts of the world to find out what do men want from women. As we had indicated, these studies go against the common understanding of how men behave (read “how should men behave”).
1. Men want commitment when women are scarce
By Ryan Schacht
University of Utah anthropologist, Ryan Schacht and anthropology professor Monique Borgerhoff Mulder from the University of California, Davis were on a quest to find an answer to the question – what do men want from women. They conducted an interesting study on men and women in of the Makushi people in the Guyana (South American country). Here is an interesting tidbit – Leading cricket players like Carl Hooper, Clive Llyod played for Guyana!
When we think of the number of men and women, we will agree with one conclusion. When there are more men compared to that of women in a population, men are likely to fight with one another to pair with the limited number of females. But the researchers came to a diametrically opposite conclusion.
Here is one of the conclusions they drew from their research to find an answer to the question – ‘what do men want women?”.
Makushi men are more likely to want committed relationships when there are fewer women available, regardless of age!
According to Ryan,
“Our data suggest the opposite: when there are more men, this is when they are more interested in settling into a committed, long-term relationship. When women are difficult to find, a man should attempt to attract and maintain a single partner and not fight with other males – it’s not what women want.“
The law of supply and demand (sounds very impersonal and crude!) comes into play when it comes to answering the question “what do men want from women?”.
2. Men are more likely to remarry when compared to women
In a 2013 study by Pew Research that covered adult population in the United States, four in ten couples are getting remarried in the US. About 42 million people in the US remarried as per the 2013 data while it was 22 million in 1980. Here are some additional interesting data and possible conclusions based on this survey.
It was found that men tend to remarry much more than the woman. Let’s look at the numbers as provided by Pew.
Here are some possible reasons for why men tend to remarry more than that of women.
Men seem to desire more for fulfilling relationships as life expectancies have steadily grown. We have more time to live and are determined to have a great relationship.Clearly, the role of women as the “caretaker” of men and family may have lead to the lower incidence of remarriage of women! They don’t want to care for men the second time and lose their freedom!
This data once again overturns yet another stereotype about men being cowboys that prefer a carefree life and shy away from commitment! Somebody said, “once bitten, twice shy” but this idiom seems to be applicable more to women than men. Men that have gone through a failed relationship actually want to give it another shot. Here is one answer to “What do men want from women” – more women!
3. Men are attracted to the color ‘red’
CLINICAL & SOCIAL PSYCHOLOGY
In an interesting study, men were told that they have $100 to spend on a date. They were then shown photographs of women wearing different colored dresses. Now they were asked how much money would they spend on a date with each of these women shown them. The study results showed that men elected to spend more money on women wearing red clothes when compared to women sporting any other color! Not only that, men found that women wearing red to be more attractive as well.
According to this article from the university of Rochester,
“Although this aphrodisiacal effect of red may be a product of societal conditioning alone, the authors argue that men’s response to red more likely stems from deeper biological roots. Research has shown that nonhuman male primates are particularly attracted to females displaying red. Female baboons and chimpanzees, for example, redden conspicuously when nearing ovulation, sending a clear sexual signal designed to attract males.”
Research has shown that nonhuman male primates are particularly attracted to females displaying red. Female baboons and chimpanzees, for example, redden conspicuously when nearing ovulation, sending a clear sexual signal designed to attract males.”
In summary, there are some biological preferences that hold strong among men in spite of evolution. A simple takeaway to the question “what do men want from women?” is a woman in red!
As a woman, you can use this information to your advantage. We are not recommending you actively manipulate men based on their weakness for the red color!
4. Men try hard to be funny
Several studies have shown that men try to be funny much more than women. Let’s look at one of the studies.
Dr. Laura Mickes tried to be funny in her lectures hoping to win over her students with wit and humor. But when the students turned in their ratings, she was shocked to note that her ratings weren’t all that great!
She then conducted a study that involved 32 students writing captions for 20 New Yorker cartoons. The captions were then rated by another set of people. The outcome was men were only slightly funnier when compared to women! According to this article from The Atlantic, that analyzed Dr. Mickes’ studies,
Men wrote some of the best jokes, but they also used more profanity and sexual humor, and those jokes weren’t rated very funny. If men were truly the funnier sex, though, wouldn’t they be more consistently funny?
In another study, Dr. Mickes gave some random words to a group of men and women and asked them to write anything that involved the random words. The men in this study wrote funny paragraphs involving these words while the women were more creative and serious with their writing. Then she asked a group of men and women to write funny paragraphs using the same random words to see if men produced funnier paragraphs. The result was a tie in this case.
So what do we learn from these experiments – Men try harder than women to be funny!
So why do men try to joke around more than women?
Women always preferred smart men as this has an evolutionary significance. Smart men tend to have good genes, they are skillful and successful in what they do. Their social standing is better. Partnering with smart men gives women a greater chance of raising a successful family.
Being funny and cracking jokes that a lot of people like is a sign of smartness. Cracking jokes require an ability to empathize with others and required a greater power of observation and creativity in looking at mundane things from a different perspective.
In summary, men are trying to demonstrate to the world that they are smart by trying to be funny. This is one way of attracting adulation and women! So what do men what from women? Actually, they want women that can appreciate a good joke and not necessarily crack jokes!
5. You can’t be just friends with a man
Can men be just friends with women? Men and women interact a lot at work and elsewhere. Most of these interactions are non-romantic and it’s easy to assume (mostly by women) that you can just be a friend with a man. But men have difficulty in maintaining a strictly platonic relationship.
Scientific American has reported details of a study that that explore this topic in-depth.
88 pairs of undergraduate opposite-sex friends were asked a series of questions related to his or her romantic feelings (or lack thereof) toward the friend with whom they were taking the study. The study result was as expected. Men assumed there was a mutual attraction with their female friends much more than what the women agreed.
On the other hand, women assumed men were just friends and that men also think the same about their friendship. In summary, men overestimated the level of attraction they thought women had for them.
- Men assumed there was a mutual attraction with their female friends much more than what the women agreed. On the other hand, women assumed men were just friends and that men also think the same about their friendship. In summary, men overestimated the level of attraction they thought women had for them.
- Men were also inclined to have a romantic relationship with female friends that were already in another relationship with! Women, predictably, wanted to steer clear of men who are already in a relationship.
- Men were also like to say that “getting into a romantic relationship” was an advantage of having a female friend while women are more likely list this as a disadvantage!
So if you are a woman, remember that men are always looking to justify their assumption that their women friends are romantically attracted. Touching them, revealing personal problems, or any other form of closer interaction will lead men to assume that women are romantically inclined. It appears when we look at the question “what do men want from women”, it’s mostly a romantic relationship as men are constantly looking for imaginary signs that tell them if a woman is attracted to them.
It appears when we look at the question “what do men want from women”, it’s mostly a romantic relationship as men are constantly looking for imaginary signs that tell them if a woman is attracted to them.
6. Men prefer intelligent women
According to professor David Bainbridge from the Cambridge University, men tend to prefer women who are intelligent. It is instinctively understood that intelligent women can produce intelligent children or raise children properly.
Men actually don’t care about the breast size or long legs. Symmetrical body features are considered normal and attractive. Any other understanding of what a beautiful and attractive women should look like is a product of popular media and cinema.
But women with curvaceous features are more attractive to men. This has an evolutionary reason as well.
According to this article from The Telegraph,
Men do like women to be curvaceous with voluptuous thighs and bottoms, and a waist that is much slimmer than their hips. Carrying a bit more weight on the thighs and the bottom suggests that a woman has stored enough fat during puberty to adequately provide for the huge requirements of a growing baby.
In fact the development of babies’ brains relies on fat supplies stripped directly from their mothers’ thighs and bottoms, especially during breastfeeding, and that the quantity of such fat supplies may directly affect a child’s intelligence and chances of survival.
Clearly, the answer to the question – “what do men want from women?” also includes an ability to bear healthy children that can propagate their genes.
Our verdict on – What do men want from women?
What do men want from women seems like a simple question to answer. Our instinctive response to this question is “men want to drink, have sex, and lead a carefree life.” But, that’s not true always.
We have seen how some common myths that men cannot stay at home, men run away from commitment or relationships and other popular misconceptions have been proved wrong.
Experts have also provided evidence for certain behavior such as men’s preference for curvaceous women and their inability to stay just friends with women.
We can safely conclude that making broad assumptions about men and what they like is not a great strategy when it comes to relationships and marriages.
If you are a prospective bride looking for a groom, insights about “what do men want from women” can be put to good use. Here are simple tips that can help you in your search.
Pay attention to what you are wearing in your matrimony profile photograph.
Laugh if your prospective match cracks a joke. The least you can do is not to embarrass him! At the least you know he is interested in you.
We hope this article gives you new insights about the question “what do men want from women”. Do you think there are other facts about men’s behavior that deserves a mention? Share your thoughts and insights by adding your comments.
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Posted in Marriage, Relationship
Tagged with: dating, Family, Love, Marriage, men, relationship, Women
Photo: ALAMY Via The Telegraph
How to get over a breakup?
If you ever drive a car in India, an accident is bound to happen. If you are one of the few people that never got into accidents in India, write to us. We will nominate you for the Nobel prize. If you are ever in a relationship, there is good chance that you will break up. Even married couples separate and divorce. Divorce rates even among couples married through arranged marriage are increasing in India. Irrespective of how you break up (before or after marriage), the million Dollar question is how to get over a breakup and pick up the pieces. This blogs post attempts to do a deep dive on this topic. Wear your oxygen mask and let’s plunge into it.
Why do we break up?
Before we dive into answering the question – How to get over a breakup, it’s important to recognize why we break up? Let’s look at some of the reasons people have used to break up. You won’t believe how inventive or paranoid people are when it comes to a breakup. Way back in 2012, Information designers David McCandless and Lee Byron have created easy to read charts based on data from Facebook, Twitter, Durex global sex survey and census data. Here is one of the charts that give us more information on why we break up.
As you can see the key reasons given by people for breaking up are: Incompatible Personalities, Cheating, Lost Interest, Moved Away, Bad Sex, Divorce, and Death!
People share personal stories on their break-up
We scoured the Internet to find out why people broke up. Here are some first-hand accounts of why people broke up.
Nikita Krishnan: Divorced parents, fat, and dusky skin color
- My first boyfriend broke up with me because my parents are divorced. Apparently his mom told him that, I would divorce him because that’s what my family does.
- The second boyfriend, he wanted me to straighten my hair, when I had beautiful curls. He wanted me to permanently straighten it! He wanted me to thin down. And get fairer! He didn’t like my dusky tone.
Tatania Vaz Pereira: Too much love
Apparently I said I love you too much. I texted too much. I thought of him too much.
Udayaditya Dwivedi: Boneless chicken only
It was the birthday of my girlfriend of 2 months. We went to a restaurant and she started ordering. Fish finger chips and paneer tikka as a starter, then kadhai chicken with butter naan as the main course. I calculated the cost in my mind, more or less I could have paid for it. We ate the starters in silence, me contemplating the dire state of my finances and she happily munching the tikkas and finger chips. When she looked at the main course, she exclaimed, “But I only eat boneless chicken. Order me another”. I tried reasoning with her, went to the extent of pleading her, but in vain. She ordered another kadhai chicken, this time boneless. Finally, the bill came. I told her I am a little short on cash, but she just shrugged and said OK. I was a little confused in the beginning with the OK (still hoping for some help), but none came. Exasperated, I told her that I need to visit an ATM. I came out of the restaurant and blocked her from contacting me ever.
Christopher Reiss – Cat poop!
This was a woman getting a graduate degree from a world-famous university with notoriously fickle admissions. One day, her cat pooped on her luggage. She asked me, “Did you get into a fight with my cat last night?”
My response, “I can’t even imagine what a fight between a human and a cat looks like. Besides, I love animals.”
But she persevered, trying to psychoanalyze the cat, to uncover the root cause of this feline evacuation so that I was somehow to blame.
This conversation went on for several days.
Day 6: She calls. “I know it sounds ridiculous, but …” again with the cat poop. I spoke into the mouthpiece only long enough to break up, turned off my phone, and put it in my pocket. Never saw her again.
Sanket Satpathy – Poetic divorce
She was beautiful I wasn’t
she was rich I was not
she wanted a better life I couldn’t provide.
When I realized my mistakes.
All she said was I wish you had taken some effort and it’s too late
Why we break up according to science
Dr. Sean M Horan is an expert in communication studies with a specific focus on dating! He is one of the most widely published scholars between 2007 to 2011. According to Sean, there are seven reasons why couples break up. Let’s look at all the seven reasons.
- One reason couples break up is sudden death, which occurs when “new, negatively charged information is discovered about [one’s] partner.” In other words, couples lose trust in each other. It usually involves one party hanging on while the other party actively seeks to end the relationship or both the parties decide to call it quits.
- Couples break up because of mechanical failure where “partners have incompatible goals or values.” This is further compounded by a complete failure of communication between the couple.
- Pre-existing doom may be the reason; simply “partners are inherently incompatible.” Be it arranged marriage or love marriage, incompatibilities shine brighter when the initial glow of the relationship fades away.
- Process loss may be to blame where the “relationship does not reach full potential because…partners [do] not make use of all available resources.” It is also attributed to changes in lifestyle.
- Network can be the breakup culprit, occurring when “friends and/or family do not support [the] partner or the relationship.” This is certainly the case with love marriages or intercaste marriages in India.
- Loss of personal freedom occurs when one feels his/her “partner is controlling” or the “feeling that the relationship has become too restrictive.” Personal insecurities and lack of trust are key reasons for this type of a breakup.
- Distance may be the reason for terminating a relationship; that is, the relationship is long distance or a partner moved.
No matter what the reason is for a breakup, not all breakups are bad after all. In fact, if the relationship involves abuse, breaking up can lead to a positive change for at least one of the partners! Some people use breakups to introspect and come out on the other side of the breakup with more maturity and a better outlook to life in general.
Good news! Breakups can be predicted
The great news is that break ups can be predicted. Researchers and experts have created models that allow them to predict breakups and suggest ways and means to save the relationships.
John Gottman is a world-renowned psychologist and an expert on marriages and divorce. His pioneering research on married couples is eye opening. As we had written earlier, Gottman and his team predicted whether a couple was going to get divorced with a 90% accuracy. he found that couples that got into a spiral of negativity usually ended up separating eventually. Gottman then teamed up with a mathematical, James Murray, to create mathematical equations that predicted how the wife or husband is going to respond based on their observed behavior data. You can read more about Gottman’s “Love Lab” here.
Gottman also came with the “The Four Horsemen of Apocalypse” (1. Criticism, 2. Contempt, 3. Defensiveness, and 4. Stonewalling) model to predict if the relationship can survive. In fact, by observing how a couple handles the four horsemen, you can predict with a reasonable accuracy about the success or a failure of a relationship. Watch this interesting video that explains these issues and how to overcome them.
The best way to handle criticism is to avoid focussing on a specific behavior and instead talk about your feelings followed by a positive solution for the issue. Contempt (rolling your eyes, name-calling) according to Gottman, poses the biggest challenge to a relationship. In order to avoid showing contempt for each other, couples must build a culture of appreciation where it is genuinely required. The antidote for defensiveness (playing the victim) is to develop the maturity to accept responsibility instead of deflecting the blame. Stonewalling (withdrawing completely) from an issue can be avoided by making sure you get back to the conversation after a brief pause and not stay silent forever as it builds resentment. You can read more by clicking on the image below.
Breakups do happen. How to get over a breakup?
You gave a relationship your best shot, but it did not work out. Sounds like your story? There is absolutely no need to feel guilty or mop about it. We once again decided to look at both real life lessons from people like you and us as well as expert tips to help you cope with a breakup.
People share personal stories on how they handled their breakup
We picked three different accounts from real people on how they overcame the post-breakup flunk.
Ashley Beurkett: Do’s and Don’ts
I think there are several ways to do this, and they may not work for everyone and they also may not work immediately, but they worked for me!
- Have a good cry over it: Get it out of your system. Go through your old photos for the last time, remember the good times and the good things about the person. It sounds backwards, but I’ve found it’s necessary and natural.
- Purge: Get mad, get angry! Get rid of all the photos you just moped over! Get rid of everything that reminds you of the person, the things they gave you, the ticket stubs, everything! If it’s something actually valuable, don’t trash it, just stow it away for a bit until you’re over the person.
- Be with people you love: Hang out with friends and family and people that genuinely make you feel good. Talk to them about the situation and get it out of your system, but at the same time, make sure you let yourself enjoy their company too!
- Enjoy being single and treat yourself: Go out to bars, be flirty, spend money on yourself that you would’ve normally had to spend on your partner. Do everything that you wanted to do when you were taken and start up that hobby you’ve always died to do. Also, workout and eat better, you’ll be amazed at how good you actually feel!
- Learn from it: When you are starting feeling a bit more stable and more objective, look back and try and learn what went wrong so you can grow as a person. Think about your ex’s qualities and if they were really what you wanted in a significant other. Re-evaluate that relationship and you may even realize it wasn’t taking you in a direction you wanted your life to go.
Whatever you do, DO NOT do the following:
- Try to “get back” at them: If it’s over. It’s over. It’s only going to put you in a bad light if you show up with some guy and try to use him to get back at your ex. And please, don’t try and spy and be a creep! Mind games are not healthy, grow up!
- Sleep with anyone and everyone you can get your hands on: No. No. And no! This is definitely not going to help you get over them in the long run. You’ve got to clear your head before you can start bringing other people into your life.
- Keep trying to get with that person: Like I said, if it’s over, it’s over. No sense wasting your energy on someone who doesn’t deserve it. Plus, if there really WAS any chance of getting back together, you’ll probably ruin it if you look desperate.
- Immediately start looking for a new relationship: This is different than just sleeping with everyone. I simply mean don’t be a chronic long-term dater! Give yourself a breather from relationships, period. You learn a lot about yourself and they are essential to growing as a person!
Jay Walker: It’s oxytocin stupid!
Time is the only thing that heal. From personal experience, it takes 3 to 6 months before you’ll feel better, maybe sooner if you’re lucky. From a biological point of view, that terrible anxiety that you’re feeling is withdrawal from oxytocin, which is the hormone that appears to be responsible for pair-wise bonding in mammals. The similarities between love and drugs are not accidental http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oxy.
Arik Beremzon: Well, you can’t!
You can’t. And you shouldn’t have to. Regardless of what happened afterward, you had a good time. Why would you want to forget something that was good? You laughed, you lived, you loved, and you learned. You will continue to laugh, live, love, and learn. Remember and cherish the moments rather than the person you spent those moments with. As hard as that sounds, as time passes and you meet more people you will recognize to value experiences as a whole rather than the components or people who make them up. While it’s true that some experiences – such as the birth of a child – hinge around the presence of a particular person, “having a good time” isn’t one of those.
Now that you have read “street wisdom” on how to handle breakups, it’s time to listen to experts.
Expert opinion on how to cope with breakups
We have rounded up 4 research-based findings to help you devise a strategy for getting over your breakup.
1. It’s healthy to dwell on your breakup
According to this study with a rather difficult to understand the title, “Participating in Research on Romantic Breakups Promotes Emotional Recovery via Changes in Self-Concept Clarity“, dwelling on the breakup is actually helpful! That’s great news if you have had to go through a breakup recently. Most of us cope with breakups by thinking about the person and what went right or wrong.
Grace Larson and David Sbarra from the Northwestern University and the University of Arizona, interviewed 210 young men and women that recently went through breakups. A group of them went through in-depth 9-week interview sessions to discuss their relationship. Another group of men and women just had a brief interview. The results were startling. People that went through extensive interviews on their failed relationship actually recovered better when compared to people that had short interviews!
2. Stop stalking your ex on Facebook
In a 2012 study by Veronika Lukacs (University of Western Ontario), titled “It’s Complicated: Romantic Breakups and Their Aftermath on Facebook“, it was found that 9 out of 10 people that were surveyed kept a tab on their execs through Facebook. The study concluded that content on Facebook can be a source of distress for individuals who have recently experienced a romantic breakup. People who engaged in high levels of snooping on Facebook experienced more breakup distress than people who chose not to stalk. The study also recommended some tips on what to do with Facebook after a breakup. These tips are:
- Change your Facebook password.
- Remove relationship status from your Facebook wall.
- Remove tagged photographs with your ex-partner.
- Delete message histories so that you don’t read them again!
- Un-friend or block your ex.
3. Tylenol might help!
In a unique study titled “Social rejection shares somatosensory representation with physical pain” (don’t worry, it’s not that complicated), researchers unearthed a simple solution to the problem of coping up with a bad breakup. They showed pictures of people’s exes and scanned their brains as they were looking at the pictures! The researchers then analyzed brain activity on the MRI. They found that areas of the brain that support the sensory components of physical pain become active. In other words, romantic pain produced the same effect as physical pain. Participants of the study that had taken Tylenol (Crocin in India) saw lesser activity in the areas of the brain associated with physical pain.
4. Breaking up is good for you
Dr. Gary W. Lewandowski, Jr. is a professor and Department Chair at Monmouth University, Director of the Relationship Science Lab, and co-editor/co-creator of www.ScienceOfRelationships.com. He firmly believes that breaking up actually helps you learn and grow and he has research data to prove it. According to this article, “a 2007 study by Lewandowski his colleagues was one of the first to focus on the plus side of breakups. Most of the young adults who the researchers interviewed said the breakup had helped them learn and grow and that they felt more goal-oriented after splitting up.” Check out his explanation in this video.
That’s all folks! In order to get you in a better mood, check out this flowchart from Imgur.
Other scientifically proven, awesome posts!
Research has also shown that sharing and liking this post can help you cope with your breakup!
Posted in Love, Marriage, Relationship
Tagged with: breakup, divorce, Love, Marriage, relationship
Just raise your hands if you aren’t interested in learning about the wives and girlfriends of all the sports superstars we follow closely. If you indeed raised your hands (we are watching you), you are probably among the minority (says who?)! If you are a woman and if you have plans for marrying an athlete (celebrity or not), this blog is just for you. All the men reading this post can skip straight to the list unless you are a sportsman.
Wives and Girlfriends of athletes face unique challenges
While it may be glamorous to sit in the stadium while your boyfriend or husband is duking it out in the middle, life is not all roses for wives and girlfriends of top athletes. There are many reasons:
Can you survive the loneliness?
Top athletes are successful because of their ability to work hard on their game and focus on their goals relentlessly. Guess what happens to you when your husband is busy preparing for the next year’s sporting event or tournament? Yes, wives and girlfriends have to deal with shouldering household responsibilities all alone.
Be ready for non-stop travel?
The amount of travel that top athletes have to put up with is insane. A majority of the year is spent in traveling to different corners of the world. If you happen to have children, you can’t pack up the bags and leave whenever you want to.
Can you handle the media glare?
Athletes, especially those at the top of their game, work hard and have incredible mental and physical toughness. They are supremely confident about who they are and look for women who can cope with media glare. You should have loads of self-confidence if you want to survive the pressures of being famous.
But if you do manage to find the right person, things do work out very well. Let’s hear from World Chess Champion, Viswanathan Anand’s wife on her marriage.
With that warning, let’s look at the love stories of 15 top athletes from around the world.
1. Sachin Tendulkar
Sachin Tendulkar needs no introduction as we all know him as a cricketing legend on the same pedestal as greats like
Sachin Tendulkar and his wife, Anjali first met at the airport in Mumbai, when Tendulkar returned from his tour of England in 1990. Anjali was there to receive her mother and bumped into Tendulkar. It was love at first sight! They then met again through a common friend and the rest is history.
When Tendulkar and Anjali first met, Anjali was practicing medicine, while Tendulkar had just started his cricketing career. Later, when they started dating, Anjali made all efforts to brush up her knowledge about the game of cricket. This is one example of a match made in heaven. All the fame and attention has not impacted their life together and they continue to remain a happy couple.
2. Rafael Nadal
Rafael Nadal is a Spanish tennis player who is said to be one of the finest clay-court players in the history of the game. Nadal has won 14 Grand Slam singles titles, an Olympic Gold medal, and many ATP titles. He also won the Davis Cup for Spain a few times. He is the second player after Andre Agassi to complete the singles Grand Slam.
Maria Francisca Perelló, Nadal’s girlfriend has known him since 2005. They met while growing up in Palma de Majorca, an island off the coast of Spain. Perello has put in a lot of efforts to avoid the things that come with being a celebrity and its status. Perello does not attend many of Rafael’s matches since she does not want to distract him while he is playing tennis. Both Rafael and Perello are shy and lead ordinary lives out of the spotlight.
3. Roger Federer
Roger Federer is is one of the most popular athletes in the world. He has the record of holding the No.1 rank for the longest duration continuously and has won a record 17 Grand Slams and 88 ATP singles tennis titles. Federer happens to be the only male player in history to reach the finals of each Grand Slam at least 5 times!
Roger Federer first met his future wife Mirka Vavrinec at Sydney, during the 2000 summer Olympics. Mirka was also a professional tennis player. The pair travelled to Australia from Switzerland to play tennis and got to know each other that way. They married in the year 2009, and Mirka gave birth to two sets of twins five years apart! Federer and Mirka are happily married and our prediction is they will take their marriage vows seriously.
4. Michael Phelps
Michael Phelps is said to be the greatest athletes of all time and had won 8 gold medals in swimming, a sport said to be one of the toughest. He dominated the sport of swimming like none, with 39 world records, and 22 Olympic medals.
Michael Phelps is engaged to his on/off girlfriend, former Miss USA, Nicole Johnson. They remained friendly with each other despite numerous breakups in between and rekindled their relationship last year.
5. Novak Djokovic
Novak Djokovic of Serbia is currently the top ranked player in the game of tennis today. He is said to be one of the greatest tennis players in the world and has broken the Nadal-Federer stronghold of the game.
Novak and his wife Jelena Ristic met as teenagers in Belgrade and dated for 9 years, before marrying. They now have a child together. It was instant chemistry since Jelena was an athletic enthusiast and one of the most beautiful girls in the city to boot!
6. Usain Bolt
Usain Bolt of Jamaica is widely regarded as the fastest sprinter ever, in the world. His nick name is Lightning Bolt, and he holds word records in the 100 m, 200 m and 4×100 m relay. He has won several Olympic medals, and has the habit of making it look easy by slowing down at the finish line, but breaking world records by a comfortable margin.
Usain Bolt hasn’t had a steady girlfriend and isn’t married. In the photo above, he is seen with one of his former girlfriends Lubica Slovac. Before Lubica, there was Mizican Evans who dated Usain Bolt for several years. Usain is said to have dated / had affairs with a long list of women and we don’t know if he has a girlfriend as we write this post. All the sordid details can be found here.
7. Rory McIlroy
Who is Rory? Rory McIlroy is a professional golfer from Ireland. He was ranked No. 1 for 95 weeks! He is the first European to win three different majors by the age of 25. At 22 years of age, he became the youngest player to earn 10 million euros in prize money in career earnings. McIlroy has represented Europe, Great Britain and Ireland, so far.
Rory McIlroy had a very public breakup with the Danish professional tennis player, Caroline Wozniacki, and very soon after, hooked up with Erica Stoll, a PGA employee. It is said that McIlroy proposed to Stoll at the Eiffel tower and that they are now engaged. Rory claims that his new relationship has helped him on the golf course, as well.
8. Lionel Messi
Lionel Messi is only 5’7” in height, but he is one of the most talented footballers in history. Messi is well known for his unstoppable scoring abilities and strikes fear in the heart of the opposing team. He also serves as captain of the Argentinan national football team.
Messi has a long-term partner named Antonella Roccuzzo. Roccuzzo and Messi have been together since 2008 and have two children together. Messi knew Antonella since he was 5 years of age.
9. Christiano Ronaldo
Cristiano Ronaldo is a Portuguese footballer and serves as captain of his national team. He has a very explosive game and is a good striker and defender as well. Cristiano is said to be one of the most rounded players in modern football. He also happens to have the most number of Facebook fans.
He used to date the supermodel Irina Shayk for 5 years but has now recently moved on to a new girlfriend named Claudia Sanchez. Ronaldo met Sanchez at the launch of his new perfume line – pictures were shared of each other on Instagram. He has never publicly revealed the identity of the mother of his son.
10. David Beckham
David Beckham is regarded as one of the most popular soccer players in history, and also happens to be one of the richest! Beckham has represented several clubs and also went on to captain England 59 times. He is the only English player to score in three World Cups.
When David Beckham met Victoria Adams of the popular girl band “Spice Girls” at a charity football match, it was love at first sight. David proposed to Victoria with an expensive diamond sparkler ring. David and Victoria are well-known for appearing at events in matching outfits and have become style icons. They have four children together and their marriage is still going strong!
11. Tiger Woods
Tiger Woods dominated the sport of golf like none before him. He has been the one of the highest-paid athletes in the world for many years. Woods was No. 1 for the most consecutive weeks. Woods is considered to be one of the most successful golfers of all time.
Tiger Woods had a fairy tale romance with Elin Nordegren a Swedish model and nanny. After a whirlwind romance, the two got engaged and married in an opulent ceremony. They also had two kids after marriage and things were looking good for the couple. Unfortunately, their marriage unravelled under the glare of the media as it was revealed that Woods was having multiple affairs while he was married. Their marriage ended in divorce.
Woods then dated Lindsey Vonn, a champion skier who also represented the US in the Winter Olympics, for a few years. This relationship also met with a dead end and the pair broke up.
12. Michael Jordan
Michael Jordan, the basketball player who played for the Chicago Bulls in the NBA is said to be the greatest athlete that ever lived. His skills, coordination and grace were unmatched. If it were not for Michael Jordan, his signature moves and dunks would not exist. He went on to play baseball and golf competitively after basketball, showing that he was a jack of all trades.
Michael Jordan has a long list of girlfriends and is considered to have influenced Tiger Woods to follow his “path”. He dated Vanessa Williams, Juanita Vanoy, Karla Knafel, Pamela Smith, Kylie Ireland, Lisa Miceli to name a few. You can find the complete list of girlfriends and lovers here.
Michael Jordan married former model Yvette Prieto who is 16 years younger than him, in the year 2014. They met 7 years ago and have identical twin daughters.
13. Ayrton Senna
Ayrton Senna was a Brazilian racing driver who won 3 Formula One world championships. He was among the most dominant and successful Formula One drivers and is said to be the greatest racing driver of all time. He died at the age of 34 years, after succumbing to fatal injuries sustained during a race in Italy.
Ayrton Senna had an ex-wife named Lilian Souza. He married Lilian Souza when she was 19 years of age and divorced two years later. His girlfriend at the time of his death was Adriana Galisteu, who many believed would become his second wife. He dated a lot of women in between. One of the women that Senna dated was Adriane Yamin who was 15 years old! She was chaperoned by her mother on her visits to the track to meet Ayrton. He also dated models like Elle MacPherson and Carol Alt. Adriana Galisteu (see in the picture above) has written a book about her life with Ayrton, and also posed for Playboy.
Pele is widely regarded as the best soccer player in history, with over 1000 goals in 1220 games in his career, and winning the world championship twice for Brazil. He was elected Athlete of the Century by the IOC and Time named him in their list of 100 most influential people of the 20th century.
Pele was married to Rosemeri in 1966. They had three children together and divorced in 1982. It is said he fathered a child with his maid, Anizia. He also fathered another child with journalist Lenita Kurtz. He dated Xuxa, the singer who dated Ayrton Senna. Pele then went on to date Flavia Cavalcanti, former Miss Brazil. He then married Assimira, and they had a set of twins. They divorced in 2008. He is now dating Marcia Aoki (seen in the picture above).
15. Muhammed Ali
Muhammed Ali is an American professional boxer, who is widely considered to be the greatest heavyweight boxer in the history of the sport. Ali remains the only three-time lineal world heavyweight champion. Ali had a highly unorthodox style for a heavyweight, epitomized by his catchphrase “float like a butterfly and sting like a bee”.
Muhammed Ali married four times and has seven sons and two daughters. Ali has two daughters from extra-marital relationships. his first wife, Sonji Roi was a cocktail waitress, his second wife was Belinda Boyd and his third wife, Victoria Porsche, was an actress and model. His fourth wife, Yolanda Williams (seen in the picture above) was a long time friend of Ali. Some of his children were from extra-marital affairs!
Other awesome lists
21 Awesome Bollywood Fan Art From Four Artist
7 Most Beautiful Indian Brides From Exotic Communities
10 Commandments On Love For Indians
Posted in Love, Marriage, Relationship
Tagged with: Athletes, dating, Marriage, relationship
Marrying a doctor? You are in for major challenges!
“Don’t marry a doctor” – That’s probably the first advice you will get if you ask someone who is already married to a doctor! Doctors have a busy and unpredictable schedule and spend most of their youth at school, working their way up a tortuous program before becoming a physician. This raises important questions such as “Who do doctors marry?”, “What does it take to marry a doctor?”, “What are the pros and cons of marrying a doctor?”, or “Should I marry a doctor?”.
Let’s look at 7 key points that you will have to keep in mind before marrying a doctor or even dating one. These facts are a combination of surveys and anecdotes from doctors and their partners. Hopefully, most of your questions about marrying a doctor will be answered after reading this post!
1. Are you marrying a Doctor for the right reasons?
If you are an Indian and planning on marrying a doctor, you are not alone. Doctors are in huge demand in India when it comes to marriage. That’s because people look up to doctors with respect and reverence.
Things can get very easy for you if you choose to marry a doctor. Matrimony sites have started lining up men and women based on profession. Don’t believe us, look this screenshot below.
Even the US, there are dating sites such as farmersonly.com, lawyerflirts.com to name a few!
There are also sinister reasons for the big demand for Doctors in the marriage market. The cost of getting a professional degree from a medical college is not cheap (especially if you want to enrol in any of the private universities or colleges) and this implies families have the means to afford expensive education and should be financially well off.
In fact, the growing enrollment of women in medical colleges is attributed to the perception that it is possible to get a “good match” for a daughter who is a physician. This, in turn, encourages the man’s family to demand more dowry as they think the woman’s family can definitely afford to pay off the ransom.
Doctors put in lot more time to complete their graduation and spend more time in gaining specialised skills before they can start practising at a level that will earn them a decent income. This makes it an inherently tough profession to take up on unless you are really passionate about being a doctor.
2. Are you in the medical profession?
Marrying a doctor is a great idea if you are a doctor or in the medical profession.
Doctors have a schedule on paper only. Most of the time, they are delayed because of some emergency and are also on call 24 hours a day and 7 days a week. This creates a major problem for the spouse as they are left to hold the fort on the home front. It is important that you understand what you are signing up for when marrying a doctor. if you are from the same profession or at least work with doctors, you will probably appreciate their erratic schedules.
According to 2014 Work / Life Profiles of Today’s US Physicians, over 40% of doctors are likely to marry doctors or those working in the healthcare industry. According to Dr Kavitha Shah Arora, MD, a gynaecologist:
“As doctors, your lives are so incredibly busy that it’s hard to meet people outside medicine and when you do, it’s hard to explain why you really need to work on Christmas or go in at 2 a.m. for a delivery. When you’re with someone in medicine, you have that shared language and experience. You share the same set of values when it comes to helping others and putting your responsibility as a physician above your relationship’s needs.”
The situation described by Dr Shah is universal. According to this response on Quora,
“There is very little incentive for a student in India to join the medical profession unless their family owns a hospital or have an unending disposable income to spend. This puts the (medical) profession beyond the reach of the middle class since there are no returns for the incredible amount of mental and financial investment required from a doctor.“
3. People studying to be doctors won’t have time for you
In addition to the 5 years of graduation, doctors need to spend a couple of years to specialise in a chosen area and also work as a resident physician.
Studying to become a doctor is a full-time job that leaves very little time for going on dates. If you are dating one, especially someone that is studying to be a doctor, be ready for long periods of no contact. Your planned weekend date can go for a toss on the drop of a hat. If you have found a prospective match (who also happens to be studying for a doctor) via matrimony sites, you will end up disappointed as finding time out of their busy schedule to meet you and go on dates will be tough.
If you have found a prospective match (who also happens to be studying for a doctor) via matrimony sites, you will end up disappointed as finding time out of their busy schedule to meet you and go on dates will be tough.
Here is an infographic that depicts the challenging life of a medical student!
Here is what Dr. James Miller has to say when it comes to people studying to be a doctor.
It’s no secret that residency is tough. Medical residents work crazy hours with little free time and almost never enough sleep. So it’s not a surprise that residency can take a serious toll on our personal lives. For those fortunate enough to enter medical school or residency with a long-term romantic partner, the feeling of having someone in your corner can be a source of comfort when the going gets tough. The rest of us face a choice: Step out into the dating world despite our workload or take up the robes of a monastic existence for the next 3-7 years.
At least in India, parents have our back when its time to get married!
4. Advantages for a non-doctor marrying a doctor
An engineer started dating a doctor 8 years ago and this what he had to say.
No threat or ego issues: Ever saw your friends getting jealous of their spouses who are in the same line of work, and have become more successful? Here, I know that eventually doctors tend to earn more, and hence am fully prepared for it mentally. There is no scope of jealousy or resentment, and we both can be as successful as we can without hurting each other’s feelings. Further, we both get equal opportunities to appear more intelligent in front of each other.
Interesting conversations: She tells me about the curious cases that come to her, I tell her about the new marketing campaign I am working on. We exchange work talk, not really expecting expert opinions, but interesting ones nevertheless.
Network: I know I can count on a dentist, a paediatrician, a surgeon and many others whenever I need them because of her. She knows who to call if her computer crashes or she needs life hacks or she needs to find good pubs around! Also, typically medical students are too engrossed in their studies to really get to know outside life, so my circle of friends prove to be a good break from that for her.
Understanding: She understands when I get really busy, or not able to take her call or get to work at wee hours, cause that’s what she expects from me.
Minimum level of intelligence expected: Think about it. Doctors are anyway intelligent. Intelligent enough not to fall in love with idiots. Hence, both parties get the benefit of no-stupidity-no-frustration factor.
5. Disadvantages for a non-doctor marrying a doctor
Continuing from the same source that listed the advantages for a non-doctor in dating/marrying a doctor, let’s look at what he had to say about the disadvantages.
Patience: Chances are, your doctor spouse was standing non-stop 6 hours assisting surgeries, hasn’t had anything since morning and has slept only 6 hours in last 48 hours. In such cases in whatever you speak or breathe, please tread carefully, very carefully. Be patient and considerate, and remember, ‘This too shall pass’.
Doctor Ego: Fact is, doctors had to study more and grill themselves for longer hours doing harder work than any engineer will ever do. This might lead them to think that doctors are better than engineers or anyone else. Again, a delicate topic to stir up.
Family awkwardness: You might end up feeling a bit ignored in case your family members get more interested in discussing their minute health issues to get free consultation than pampering you like you were used to. I, however, enjoy the peace. Then there is also the pressure of standing up to the expectation of ‘how can a doctor and non-doctor work it out together?’
The doctor vs the spouse: Often when you will hold her hand, she will suddenly observe some weirdness in the bone structure of your hand and start cautioning you against medical conditions you have never heard that affect body parts you never knew existed.
6. Doctors are more likely to marry other doctors
According to Dan Kopf, staff writer at Pricenomics, some professions see a large number of marriages happening from within the profession while others see most marriages happening outside the profession. For example, lawyers and farmers are most likely to marry people in the same profession whereas miners will most likely marry someone out of their profession. Guess where doctors fall? Yes, there is a high probability that doctors will end up marrying another doctor. Let’s look at the data crunched by Dan kopf.
According to Dan Kpof, professions with more balanced gender ratios are more likely to have more marriages happening within the profession. With more and more female medical students enrolling in Indian universities, we should see a similar trend in India.
7. A woman who is a doctor will have a tough time after marriage
Via Ilmicrofono Oggiono / Flickr
Women in India have been getting the raw deal irrespective of their profession or educational qualifications.
Being a woman and a doctor doesn’t change things beyond a certain point. Doctors have a hectic schedule and crazy workloads. On top of that, women who also work as doctors have the added burden of “managing” the household and making themselves available for family obligations. Once children are added to the mix, the pressure on women to juggle their busy work schedules as well as children’s activities on a daily basis will take its toll on the marriage.
A group of physicians analyzed census data in the US to compare the divorce rates among doctors when compared to that of other professionals. Here is a brief summary of their finding.
Females traditionally bear more of the household and child-rearing responsibilities on average, and female physicians, if they have to do both that and maintain a job as a physician, that could lead to a lot of stress and lead to higher rates of divorce. For women physicians, they appear to be essentially getting a raw deal because there is a trade-off they have to make, that, the male doctors don’t have to be making.
Please check out this interesting book titled, “Torn: True Stories of Kids, Career & the Conflict of Modern Motherhood.” One of the arguments made in the book is that women who in certain critical professions (such as doctors) should always consider their job to be more important and forget the idea of work/life balance. In fact, there is even an argument that doctors are way too important for the general public and we cannot let “families” become a priority over public well being.
In summary, marrying a doctor is not an easy decision. But there are some broad requirements that seem to be relevant irrespective of who you end up marrying – a sense of shared goals and vision for the future, defining and communicating your expectations, alignment of goals and priorities, and chemistry.
Divorce rates among doctors
Anupam B Jena from Harvard Medical school conducted a study on the divorce rates among physicians in the US. The purpose of the study was to find out if the stressful, unpredictable lifestyle of doctors caused more divorces and relationship breakdowns compared to other professions in the medical sector.
The results of the study are surprising. The study found that doctors had the lowest divorce rates when compared to nurses, healthcare executives and lawyers!
The same study also found that woman doctors are more likely to be divorced compared to male doctors. The additional responsibility for managing the household and the children might be the contributing factors for this trend.
John Hopkins University conducted a long-term study way back in 1997 and concluded that Psychiatrists and Surgeons had higher divorce rates compared to that of the Pediatricians and Internists.
In India, there is on data available for divorce rates among doctors. In general doctors in India marry someone from the same profession as they believe only a doctor spouse can understand the pulls, pressures and stress associated with the medical profession. We suspect divorce rates among doctors in India is not very different from that of the rest of the population.
Click here to read about what medical students and doctors have to say about their preference for marrying someone from the same profession.
We created this handy checklist for you in case you have already decided on marrying a doctor.
1. Your spouse will go missing often: Just assume that your doctor spouse will not be around for dinner or that wedding reception you knew about 10 days ago. Always start the day with low expectations and who knows you may be positively surprised.
2. Develop lots of empathy but…: Putting yourself in their shoes and understanding the fact that they are always behind both at work and at home will make you appreciate them. However, find a doctor spouse who can also empathise with your lonely struggles every day in his / her absence.
3. Keep your family and friends close: Being married to a doctor without a support network to fall back on will be tough on you. Having family and friends around you or close by will make a huge difference when you have to face life in the absence of your spouse.
4. Keep a tab on your spouse’s health: This may sound ironic, but doctors are not very good at keeping a watch on their own health! This responsibility of making sure your doctor spouse remains healthy is probably on you.
5. Find a different doctor for you family: While it is tempting to get your doctor spouse to treat your ailments or the children’s health issues, it’s always better to find another doctor who can treat your family while keeping all emotions aside.
6. Not all doctors are rich: Be ready to duke it out for a long time before your spouse’s practice pays dividends. Doctors don’t become rich the day they come out of medical school unless they have parents who already have an established practice.
Posted in Marriage, Matchmaking, Relationship
Tagged with: Doctor, Love, Marriage, relationship
Images of love and romance will cause one of the following reactions:
- I wish I could have someone to hold on to!
- How lucky they are!
You will either be jealous or feel sorry about your lonely plight. And then you will probably be angry if you think your partner is totally unromantic (just ask married couples)!
PDAs are turning into Relfies!
Public displays of affection is an age-old phenomenon. In this blog, titled, “Sexuality in American History“, young men and women were beginning to be more liberated and they started openly mingling with one another. The blog also cites the freedom that comes with automobiles also played a role in young men and women having the means to get some alone time!
Via Violet on orange
Even in India, we are seeing the effects of economic growth and personal mobility. We are more likely to see young men and women openly displaying affection in cafes, malls and movie theaters. Of course, we have the moral cops everywhere!
The fact that we spend a lot of time on social media has resulted in more and more couples sharing their “relationship selfies”, a term coined by Dr.Benjamin Le. Here is what he had to say after conducting a study on how relfies are perceived and what it means. Here is his conclusion.
Others will assume you are in a good relationship if you post relfies, change your status to “in a relationship with…”, and talk about your relationship on Facebook. In addition, people viewing your profile are pretty accurate in their ratings of your relationship. If you are in a strong relationship, viewers can pick that up from your Facebook profile. However, there is some danger in getting too schmoopie about your relationship on Facebook; although your friends will think your relationship is going well, they will like you less.
No matter what your situation is, you will probably love these images that captures lovers forgetting that the world even exists around them. That’s not all. We have captured 13 images that focuses on two things that are synonymous with love and romance – rain and coffee! Rain and coffee conjure up images of with romance and warmth and we have set out to prove it.
Love is also not always “passionate” (safe word for “lip lock”). Couples gazing into each other’s eye, holding hands or even gently helping their loved ones into the car demonstrate love and affection. The series of images below try to capture all these emotions.
Love and Romance: Images of lovers in rain
Love and Romance: Images of lovers in coffee shops
When it’s raining, a cup of coffee is all that you need to feel complete. Check out these images that’s brimming with warmth and love.
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Posted in Love, Relationship
Tagged with: Coffee, Love, Rain, relationship, Relfie, Romance
We bet there are millions of men and women in India who will be interested in finding out how to stop their partner from snoring. Sleep is an important component of any relationship and the lack of proper sleep can potentially derail your relationship.
Stopping your partner from snoring can improve the quality of your life
In developed countries, there is a growing awareness about the importance of sleep.
The National Sleep Foundation (We are not kidding. Check out their website here.) conducts annual surveys on how America sleeps! Called the Sleep In America Poll, their comprehensive annual survey aims to educate the public about how sleep impacts our lives and also promotes better sleeping habits.
According to Dr. Rosalind Cartwright, “In a recent “Sleep in America” telephone poll of more than 1000 adults, sixty-seven percent of the sample who were married or live with someone reported that their bed-partner snores, and more than half of those who snore say this disturbs the sleep of others. Thirty-one percent who live with someone respond that, because of a sleep problem they, or their partner, sleep in a separate bedroom or use earplugs.”
Most major cities in the developed countries also band overhead flights from nearby airports after 9 pm so that the planes taking off and landing don’t create a racket! Here is a screenshot from the website operated by the Toronto Pearson Airport. They have enforced a curfew period in the night for limiting airport landings and takeoffs and they take it seriously. There is even a telephone number for filing complaints or reporting such incidents online. There are also guidelines provided to aircraft that take off or land in the airport in order to minimise noise.
While all of us in India agree with the idea that sleep is important, we are frustrated with the mosquitoes, power cuts, and noise pollution that prevent us from having a good night’s sleep. Add TV and smartphones to this mix of nuisances, and we have a major problem on hand.
Infographics on how to stop your partner from snoring
A mattress company in the UK has come up with an informative infographics that educates couples on the different reasons for snoring, provides a comprehensive list of solutions that can help solve the problem and also provides some out-of-the-box solutions. Who knew playing the Didgeridoo. Check out this cool infographics. Remember, a couple that sleeps together stays together. So don’t let snoring come between your relationship!
What is the most annoying sleeping habit of your partner?
Check out this infographics on sleeping positions, sleeping duration and most importantly, annoying sleeping habits of your partner. Guess what’s the most annoying sleeping habit of your partner? You guessed it right – It’s snoring!
Tell us your snoring stories and what you did to solve the problem. Add your comments below.
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Posted in Love, Marriage
Tagged with: infographics, Love, relationship, sleep